Family

You know, I could have not had my mom call and wake me up at midnight, when I have to be up at 3am or work, just to tell me what an asshole son I am. What, does guilt just get better with age? She had her surger - biopsy - done on the 7th. No one called. She should get her results in about a week. I guess the actual surgery went well, but she freaked out and they had to sedate her. She's sore and bruised, but her attitude is so changed it's amazing. She's really positive, and wants to fight. I'm glad.

But man is she good. She should win an award for psychological warfare.

So, I'm a horrible son because I didn't even know about the surgery, let alone call and find out how it went. I'm an awful son because I didn't even ask how my dad's test results on his memory loss came out (bad, btw). I'm a bastard grandson because my grandparents worry about me, but do I call or write? No. No one's heard from me for a couple of weeks. Also, I'm a failure at life because I still work at OfficeMax and I'm not back in school and I'm so much in debt. I can't make a relationship last. Frank was, apparently, the best thing that's happened to me and I couldn't even hold on to him.

( it generally goes into to EMO land from here on )

Edit:
Ya know...scratch that. That's not a good place for me to go. While it feels better to vent, that way of thinking leads to wallowing, leads to worse things. So I'm just not gonna do it. I'm fine.

Precious little meltdown

Man, all it takes is a good meltdown, and my whole system just flushes itself out. Today I'm feeling tons better. Still...annoyed, but better. I guess I just got to thinking, and really things are way better then they were in Chicago. It's just that feeling that keeps getting to me. That overwhelming trapped like a rat fuck what am i going to do? thing that gnaws at me. I know I am loved. I know things are not as bad as they could be/have been before. I know my job isn't as bad as it seems all the time. Quite honestly, I need to just get a grip.

I guess I need to find my sea legs again. And plus, for a few months, when things were good, my whole entire attitude and life outlook was better. And, granted, my big reason for that isn't around anymore, there's no reason why I should not try to have that way of looking at things back. It was good for me, and it made things better just by thinking positive (who knew, eh?), so...pssh. Screw it. If I'm going to be the man I want to, I need to just do it. If I'm ever going to have that confidence again, I need to start acting like I already have it.