Self-Reflection

I'm sitting here - it's 2:16 am, and I should be in bed because I have an exam tomorrow, and I actually am pretty tired. But I've got a lot of stuff on my mind. It's mostly grown-up stuff, like: am I going to make enough this week to pay bills? I need to remember to call maintenence about my window, call the dentist about my bill, call the insurance about the dentist, call school about my financial aid exit-meeting, write out bills, mail in my rent check, call the bank about my account.

But then there's other stuff: what's going to happen after I graduate? am I ready for all of this? what do I want to do?

I was chatting with Lorraine tonight about it, and she put it aptly: everything is just too...too. I kind of feel like everything that's going on, my life right now isn't my life. I'm just watching it on a tv screen or something. Every aspect of my life right now is so big and so much, I don't really get to absorb it, or feel anything about any one part of it. I'm not sure about anything right now. I have no plans, no definite answers about anything, and it's strange to feel so nonchalant about that. I've been told that it's just because of the age I am now. This is a big time in my life, I'm told. It's perfectly normal to not know who I am, or not know what's going to happen, I'm told. Hearing it is one thing, experiencing it is another.

It's kind of a huge thing that's happening - the combination of everything. Graduation's looming over my head like a gathering storm, and underneath the clouds, it's like everything in my life is a crowd of people scattering for cover. I'm not really stressed out about anything, because I've come to the understanding that life happens and you can't force anything. And I'm not sad about anything, because I'm moving on, not leaving things behind. I'm not even really that scared about what may or may not happen, because I can't force myself to think that far ahead. I'm just kind of here, living, going from one day to the next, from one place to another. I feel like a sim, in that way.

I guess maybe it's just that I've learned so much - changed so much - in the last year. And looking back on it, it makes my head spin to see how drastically different my life is, and I am. I'm not that shy, sad little boy anymore. I'm someone altogether different. But that's the thing - who am I?