Hmm. Okay.

Well it's the last night of school. I'm almost completely packed and ready to go. But now I'm getting sad. I have to say goodbye to so many people. So many experiences. I'm about on the verge of crying, I think. There's so much I'm going to miss. It's like I'm really happy to be putting so much shit behind me, but I'm really sad about things ending. Things that meant so much more than I let on.

I'm drunk. I'm stoned. I'm alone. I really want to talk Chris. Or even Carlos. Carlos always knew what to say when I was upset. Chris just made his best effort to make me happy again. God I miss him so much, still. This night last year, we were holding each other in our arms talking about the future. How we'll always keep in touch and that our relationship was the best thing that had happened. And now it's different. I lost it. Why is life about loss? Some people say it's so that we can appreciate the good things so much more if we've experienced pain. Well I've lived through hell for a lot of years...why aren't the good things coming? The things and the people I love most keep being taken away from me. I hate this.

I don't believe in fate. I don't think I ever did. I have to believe that I control my life and my destiny. I have to believe that I am in control. What is the point of life if it's already plotted out in a little map? I can't accept that. Anyway, I don't believe in fate. So I have to wonder what it is that keeps taking and taking and taking from me.

Bah. I'm just drunk. And it wasn't such a good night. 14 hours and I get to leave. 14 hours and I can leave this all behind me. I can pretend like this whole year just never happened. Yeah. I'd like that. I don't regret many things, but most of the things I do regret are related to Barat somehow. I need to get away from here.

I'm falling asleep in my now empty room. So. Good night.

I just want to be loved.