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Nah. I got no beef with Abe Lincoln. It's my own freaking mouth and nerves I'm sick of.
Yeah, tonight was openening for the show. I totally fucked up. I didn't like skip a line or slip up a word. I butchered the Gettysburg Adress. *bows* thank you thank you thank you. Need anything else screwed up? Give me a call. I'm great! I don't think I would have felt so bad, except that the director, who is my friend, had so much faith that I could pull it off. Aside from that, her professor was there. And I killed it! I bet good 'ole Abe rolled over in his grave. Twice, even. So I spent the rest of the show berrating myself and trying not to beat myself in the head with the nightstick. And then after the show, I got outta there as fast as possible. No time to stop and schmooze. A bunch of people smiled at me and clapped my shoulder or whatever, but I was so embarrassed I couldn't stand it. Not only for myself, but for Sarah and the rest of the cast. Long story short. I'm no good at this, and it's so not for me. I may even be scarred for life ;).
But seriously, I came back to my room, went to grab my last beer only to find I drank it quite a while ago, so I threw some shit around. Then remembered I had a $20 in my pocket. Grabbed my coat, a pack of smokes, Evan and Jaron, and hit the road. I really needed to blow off some steam. I wound up going to see Day After Tomorrow. I don't feel any better, but at least for two and half hours my whole being was glued to that movie. I loved it. Fuck Grace's opinion, I thought it was marvelous. I feel kinda bad though. As I was rushing out the building, I ran into Genivieve and Grace. Genivieve asked where I was going and I snapped back pretty bitchily "out." Not such a big deal, but she's not why I was pissed off. She didn't do anything wrong. So I voicemailed her and appologized.
So now here I am. 1 am. So tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. And thirsty. Not for water. I want to be totally smashed right now. Um. When exactly does this become a problem? Someone said something to me about drinking so much. It's not that I need it or anything, but it makes me feel better for awhile. I feel free. I don't seriously think I have a problem drinking. Though that would be my luck, no? An alchoholic psych major at 20 years old. Eh well, I am my mother's son, I guess.
In any event, I guess I'm dissapointed in myself. I finally found something I can't do. Not to toot my own horn, but usually when I set my mind to something, I get it. But not this. Beh.
It was really wierd going to the movies. I have never, ever, ever, been to a movie alone. I always thought it would be wierd going to a movie alone. And guess what? It kinda was. I was the only person there without someone. I wouldn't think a complete destruction action movie would be a date movie, but what do I know. I'm not exactly the dating extraordinaire. Whatever, I had fun by myself. At first I was like all self-concious. But I got over it when the movie started. And I think it's good for me. I might as well get used to being alone. Shawna's gone. Grace and Genivieve are leaving. All my other friends are transfering out. I got no one. Great. Now the lonlieness is creeping in with the depression. Gah! Who knows, maybe it's the best thing for me. I think I read somewhere that only in complete isolation can you begin to make contact with yourself. Or maybe I made it up. Hell, I don't know.
Right now I feel really really low. Dissapointed, let down, hurt, turned away, left behind, alone, heartbroken, dessolate, etc etc. I hate feeling like this. But the good news is after it passes I'm happy again. I just need to get through the next week, and I can put all this bs behind me. God, I just have the urge to bawl. Let the tears come out. But we all know I can't do that, now don't we.
Yeah, tonight was openening for the show. I totally fucked up. I didn't like skip a line or slip up a word. I butchered the Gettysburg Adress. *bows* thank you thank you thank you. Need anything else screwed up? Give me a call. I'm great! I don't think I would have felt so bad, except that the director, who is my friend, had so much faith that I could pull it off. Aside from that, her professor was there. And I killed it! I bet good 'ole Abe rolled over in his grave. Twice, even. So I spent the rest of the show berrating myself and trying not to beat myself in the head with the nightstick. And then after the show, I got outta there as fast as possible. No time to stop and schmooze. A bunch of people smiled at me and clapped my shoulder or whatever, but I was so embarrassed I couldn't stand it. Not only for myself, but for Sarah and the rest of the cast. Long story short. I'm no good at this, and it's so not for me. I may even be scarred for life ;).
But seriously, I came back to my room, went to grab my last beer only to find I drank it quite a while ago, so I threw some shit around. Then remembered I had a $20 in my pocket. Grabbed my coat, a pack of smokes, Evan and Jaron, and hit the road. I really needed to blow off some steam. I wound up going to see Day After Tomorrow. I don't feel any better, but at least for two and half hours my whole being was glued to that movie. I loved it. Fuck Grace's opinion, I thought it was marvelous. I feel kinda bad though. As I was rushing out the building, I ran into Genivieve and Grace. Genivieve asked where I was going and I snapped back pretty bitchily "out." Not such a big deal, but she's not why I was pissed off. She didn't do anything wrong. So I voicemailed her and appologized.
So now here I am. 1 am. So tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. And thirsty. Not for water. I want to be totally smashed right now. Um. When exactly does this become a problem? Someone said something to me about drinking so much. It's not that I need it or anything, but it makes me feel better for awhile. I feel free. I don't seriously think I have a problem drinking. Though that would be my luck, no? An alchoholic psych major at 20 years old. Eh well, I am my mother's son, I guess.
In any event, I guess I'm dissapointed in myself. I finally found something I can't do. Not to toot my own horn, but usually when I set my mind to something, I get it. But not this. Beh.
It was really wierd going to the movies. I have never, ever, ever, been to a movie alone. I always thought it would be wierd going to a movie alone. And guess what? It kinda was. I was the only person there without someone. I wouldn't think a complete destruction action movie would be a date movie, but what do I know. I'm not exactly the dating extraordinaire. Whatever, I had fun by myself. At first I was like all self-concious. But I got over it when the movie started. And I think it's good for me. I might as well get used to being alone. Shawna's gone. Grace and Genivieve are leaving. All my other friends are transfering out. I got no one. Great. Now the lonlieness is creeping in with the depression. Gah! Who knows, maybe it's the best thing for me. I think I read somewhere that only in complete isolation can you begin to make contact with yourself. Or maybe I made it up. Hell, I don't know.
Right now I feel really really low. Dissapointed, let down, hurt, turned away, left behind, alone, heartbroken, dessolate, etc etc. I hate feeling like this. But the good news is after it passes I'm happy again. I just need to get through the next week, and I can put all this bs behind me. God, I just have the urge to bawl. Let the tears come out. But we all know I can't do that, now don't we.
