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Well I'm back. And just for the record, I believe I have found the source of my problems, stress, and the majority of my unhappiness. It's here. I've been back for less than 4 hours and already I'm almost back to the mood I was in before I left. It sucks so much that this place I loved so hard, now fills me with dread and unhappiness every time I think about it.
I had the best time at home. I have to laugh. I remember hating my family and my house and my life back there. But going back and dropping in for a couple of days makes me wish it had never ended. Me and my mom's relationship has never ever been better. It really makes me think of the trips we used to take to Oakbrook. We'd pack up our stuff and flee to Chicago once a year for a weekend. That's one of the happiest memories of my childhood. Just me and my mom. We'd stay in a big fancy hotel, like we don't have at home, and eat at nice restaurants, also which we don't have back there, and spend two whole days shopping and going to lunch and dinner and sleeping in and watching movies. I cherish that memorie most of all I think. When I came out to her, it felt like that all changed, and we've slowly been getting back to that. But this weekend for the first time I really felt like we were back to our old relationship, but better because we are both adults now. We had so much fun just sitting there playing dice and smoking cigarettes and sharing stuff. She asked me if there was anyone special. It just felt like we were friends. I know that sounds wierd, but my mom is so important to me.
Anyway, long story short, I had the best time this weekend. It felt free and simple and familiar. But maybe it did more harm than good. Because right now the sense of change is flooding back. I'm not good with change. I never have been. I know I should accept it and embrace it. It's good for me. But, I keep feeling like I'm losing something very important to me. Or already lost. Something feels different. Maybe it's just because Grace and Vive are leaving soon. But it feels bigger than that.
Well one thing will never change. I'll always be too complicated for me to figure out.
*sigh*
I really need some loving right now.
I had the best time at home. I have to laugh. I remember hating my family and my house and my life back there. But going back and dropping in for a couple of days makes me wish it had never ended. Me and my mom's relationship has never ever been better. It really makes me think of the trips we used to take to Oakbrook. We'd pack up our stuff and flee to Chicago once a year for a weekend. That's one of the happiest memories of my childhood. Just me and my mom. We'd stay in a big fancy hotel, like we don't have at home, and eat at nice restaurants, also which we don't have back there, and spend two whole days shopping and going to lunch and dinner and sleeping in and watching movies. I cherish that memorie most of all I think. When I came out to her, it felt like that all changed, and we've slowly been getting back to that. But this weekend for the first time I really felt like we were back to our old relationship, but better because we are both adults now. We had so much fun just sitting there playing dice and smoking cigarettes and sharing stuff. She asked me if there was anyone special. It just felt like we were friends. I know that sounds wierd, but my mom is so important to me.
Anyway, long story short, I had the best time this weekend. It felt free and simple and familiar. But maybe it did more harm than good. Because right now the sense of change is flooding back. I'm not good with change. I never have been. I know I should accept it and embrace it. It's good for me. But, I keep feeling like I'm losing something very important to me. Or already lost. Something feels different. Maybe it's just because Grace and Vive are leaving soon. But it feels bigger than that.
Well one thing will never change. I'll always be too complicated for me to figure out.
*sigh*
I really need some loving right now.
