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Hmph. I wasn't gonna post. Really, I was just going to read some more of the Castle of Otandra for Gothic Lit and be all ahead by a few days. I've been really good. I actually read and did all of my Judaism and Statistics homework for tomorrow. And I even got a head start on Philosophy for Thursday. And only watched like a half hour of TV (if you know me, you know this is a miracle). So I figured hey, I'm ahead a little, why not pop into LJ and see what's happening? Eh, you all have very active lives. Hehe. I, however, do not.
Anyway, the past couple days I've been out of my mind with happiness and positive energy. So uncommon for me, so it's really odd. Anyway, right now there's some stuff trying to pull me back down. But I don't want to. I love being happy and independent and on my own. I've been feeling so liberated and rejuvinated the past couple of days. I don't know. I'm starting to feel kinda sad and forlorn for some reason. Well, part of it is that a certain friend of mine is getting married at the end of next year. That's another one. Literally, in the last 2 years, since high school, so far, I've attended, been invited to, or heard of 23 of my friends/ex-friends getting married. Almost all of them are my age.
It's just really wierd because I feel kind of out of the loop. Ya know. Like, what is wrong with me that I can't even find someone to go out with, but so many people can find someone they want to spend the rest of their life with? I know that right now I'm not focused on finding my soul mate or even a long term relationship, but I keep feeling like I should be. I don't want to pledge the rest of my life to one single person, not now anyway. But I do want someone to love me. I do want someone to tell me everything'll be okay. I do want someone to be there for me. I love being an independent person, I always have. But sometimes it's just nice to know that there is someone there who wants to listen and wants to know what I'm thinking and hear what I have to say and hold me and laugh at my jokes and share my stories with. I want someone there. I want to feel that special something you feel when that person walks through the door. You know where your heart just stops and all the air is sucked out of the room, and then all of a sudden everything else just kind of blurs together. I want that feeling again. I want to hurt again.
You know, for the past few days I've been really and truely happy. But I wonder if you can feel happy while not feeling alive. Because that's kind of what it's like. I don't feel like I'm a living breathing person anymore. I go to class (which I've a newfound interest in), go to work, come home, study and sleep, and do it all over again. I'm missing that one little thing that makes everything feel right. I'm at a really great place in my life. But, at least for this moment, I feel hollow. I miss that feeling where I'm so full of love it's bursting out of me and I walk around with this stupid smile on my face and I can't even think of anything but how great it feels. I'm wondering if maybe it'll ever happen again. I wish I knew. It's not so much that I want that person here right this instant, but I want a gaurantee that he'll come along. But I can't have it. Maybe that's what this is all about.
Anyway, the past couple days I've been out of my mind with happiness and positive energy. So uncommon for me, so it's really odd. Anyway, right now there's some stuff trying to pull me back down. But I don't want to. I love being happy and independent and on my own. I've been feeling so liberated and rejuvinated the past couple of days. I don't know. I'm starting to feel kinda sad and forlorn for some reason. Well, part of it is that a certain friend of mine is getting married at the end of next year. That's another one. Literally, in the last 2 years, since high school, so far, I've attended, been invited to, or heard of 23 of my friends/ex-friends getting married. Almost all of them are my age.
It's just really wierd because I feel kind of out of the loop. Ya know. Like, what is wrong with me that I can't even find someone to go out with, but so many people can find someone they want to spend the rest of their life with? I know that right now I'm not focused on finding my soul mate or even a long term relationship, but I keep feeling like I should be. I don't want to pledge the rest of my life to one single person, not now anyway. But I do want someone to love me. I do want someone to tell me everything'll be okay. I do want someone to be there for me. I love being an independent person, I always have. But sometimes it's just nice to know that there is someone there who wants to listen and wants to know what I'm thinking and hear what I have to say and hold me and laugh at my jokes and share my stories with. I want someone there. I want to feel that special something you feel when that person walks through the door. You know where your heart just stops and all the air is sucked out of the room, and then all of a sudden everything else just kind of blurs together. I want that feeling again. I want to hurt again.
You know, for the past few days I've been really and truely happy. But I wonder if you can feel happy while not feeling alive. Because that's kind of what it's like. I don't feel like I'm a living breathing person anymore. I go to class (which I've a newfound interest in), go to work, come home, study and sleep, and do it all over again. I'm missing that one little thing that makes everything feel right. I'm at a really great place in my life. But, at least for this moment, I feel hollow. I miss that feeling where I'm so full of love it's bursting out of me and I walk around with this stupid smile on my face and I can't even think of anything but how great it feels. I'm wondering if maybe it'll ever happen again. I wish I knew. It's not so much that I want that person here right this instant, but I want a gaurantee that he'll come along. But I can't have it. Maybe that's what this is all about.
