synapticjava (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
synapticjava) wrote2004-05-15 12:09 am
synapticjava) wrote2004-05-15 12:09 am
Sometimes no one can help...
Hmm... 36 hours, 4 packs of smokes, half a case of beer, a bunch of soda, two bags or reeses mini's, half a birthday cake, total seclusion except for the occiasional potty break and extremely rare visitor, no phone calls, and Angel Season 1, and I'm starting to feel a little better. That's the short of it. There is a lot more to it, but I wanted to cut it for you all.
Yeah, so my last couple of posts, if you didn't notice - bitchy/pissy/what have you. I don't know what happened. I was fine Monday, Tuesday I wasn't feeling quite right, no sleep that night, Wednesday I was moody, no sleep that night, yesterday I totally crashed. After being woken up after exactly 27 miinutes of sleep - see second to last post - I was not happy. I went through the day pretty much snapping at everything. Images started to blur. All was not so great. Then last night at the STAR awards, I kinda went off the deep edge. I was looking around at all of the people that were there. Everyone looked so very happy and proud, as they should be. And it hit me - I have nothing to be proud of. I don't have some big accomplishment under my belt. I'm not successful like I need to be. And then sitting at the table with a few of my friends - everyone carrying on conversations with each other with me outside of it all, I began doubting their (and everyone else's) friendship. And my confidence plummeted. My happiness, what frail bit was left, shattered. Worthlessness creeped in, powerlessness rolled over me, and in one split second, I started feeling like my old self - useless, ugly, alone, and unloved. Being around so many people, I started to feel claustraphobic. The minute they finished the closing remarks, I was outta there and came back here to my room. I still had a bunch of posters to put up around Dougherty, but I decided to wait and chill out for a bit. So I knocked back a couple of beers and watched a couple discs of Angel Season One (which I bought for this reason). So at 1:00 I remembered the posters and went through Dougherty putting them up. After that, I went downstairs to get some stuff out of my car to get it ready to paper Lake Forest this weekend.
As I was coming in, one of the residents came up to me and told me I needed to clean up some vomit on fourth floor. See, the funny thing - I wasn't on duty. No one could get ahold of said RA who shall remain nameless (clue:maleslut). I started freaking out right there. All I was doing was going to my car, and people started asking me for things. It just went to show that no one wants me except to get something out of me. Especially when it involves this godforsaken dissilusioned job. I freaked out and called Dan and told him point blank that I wasn't dealing with these fucking assholes (literally that's what I said) and if they were going to puke because they are fucking neandrothols, I wasn't going to play mother. I think Dan was taken aback a little. I'm the good RA - the one that goes above and beyond duty, blah blah blah. Well not anymore. What have I got to show for it? I'm sick of having to work my ass off only to be fucked over in the end. Moving on.
So after that whole schtick was over with, I came back up here, drank some more beer and watched some more Angel. Haven't left my room since, except for rehersal tonight (god I suck at this stuff).
This morning I was so weak I couldn't even get out of bed. I had to lay there for a while until the only thing I could think of was the pain (I really really had to pee) and that finally let me muster the energy to get out of bed. But just the short trip to the bathroom and back wore me out. Not out-of-breath wore me out, but like, I couldn't focus on anything and I barely had the stamina to lift the remote and light my cigarettes. I don't know what that was about, but I'm glad I got over it. I literally felt like someone had sucked everyone out of me.
I think all this has to do with how stressed out I've been. And some things some peole have said. A.J. told me, I think it was today, but it could've been yesterday, that I'm letting it eat me up. Of course I am. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to not be like this. I don't know how to let it just roll off. I don't know how to not worry and not be in pain anymore. I don't know how to refocus myself.
Last night at the STAR awards Tom said "Wow, Brad, you're really not a happy person, are you?" and every single person at the table agreed. On the one hand, it really really hurt me because all I've ever wanted is to experience happiness. But on the other hand, it really made me angry. Why do I have to be happy? Why do people insist on everyone being happy? I came to the conclusion that people want everyone else to be happy so that they don't feel guilty about being happy themselves. That's the only logical answer I have come up with. I do want to be happy. And I've tried really hard to get there, and I was there for a while. But I find that when I am happy, my defenses are down. And I can't live without my defenses. Call it baggage or crap or whatever, but I need it. I'm not myself unless I feel reality on all sides.
So now, I'm taking a different approach. This is my life and I'm going to live it my way. No one else is going to push me around. No one else is going to make me feel or think or do things. I am a control freak for a reason. It's the only thing I've ever known. So now I am in control. If anyone doesn't like it - fuck off. That's the key - everyone else can Fuck off. What you see is what you get. I am entitled to be in a bad mood or dislike things, even if for no reason. I do not have to explain myself. I do not have to put hours and hours of contemplation into trivial things because someone else tells me they don't like something about me. Fuck off. I will not put up anymore fronts. I make decisions based on the information I have available at the time, and on instinct. And my instict never fails me. I will not smile gaily and laugh hallowly with someone I dislike. I will not hide my feelings. I will not fear truth, and I will not fear rejection. To those who would have me bend to their will, and to those who would want me to lose myself - Fuck off. To those who would dislike me for who I am and for what I am and for what I believe, feel, think, want. Fuck off.
I think I'll start feeling even better soon.
Yeah, so my last couple of posts, if you didn't notice - bitchy/pissy/what have you. I don't know what happened. I was fine Monday, Tuesday I wasn't feeling quite right, no sleep that night, Wednesday I was moody, no sleep that night, yesterday I totally crashed. After being woken up after exactly 27 miinutes of sleep - see second to last post - I was not happy. I went through the day pretty much snapping at everything. Images started to blur. All was not so great. Then last night at the STAR awards, I kinda went off the deep edge. I was looking around at all of the people that were there. Everyone looked so very happy and proud, as they should be. And it hit me - I have nothing to be proud of. I don't have some big accomplishment under my belt. I'm not successful like I need to be. And then sitting at the table with a few of my friends - everyone carrying on conversations with each other with me outside of it all, I began doubting their (and everyone else's) friendship. And my confidence plummeted. My happiness, what frail bit was left, shattered. Worthlessness creeped in, powerlessness rolled over me, and in one split second, I started feeling like my old self - useless, ugly, alone, and unloved. Being around so many people, I started to feel claustraphobic. The minute they finished the closing remarks, I was outta there and came back here to my room. I still had a bunch of posters to put up around Dougherty, but I decided to wait and chill out for a bit. So I knocked back a couple of beers and watched a couple discs of Angel Season One (which I bought for this reason). So at 1:00 I remembered the posters and went through Dougherty putting them up. After that, I went downstairs to get some stuff out of my car to get it ready to paper Lake Forest this weekend.
As I was coming in, one of the residents came up to me and told me I needed to clean up some vomit on fourth floor. See, the funny thing - I wasn't on duty. No one could get ahold of said RA who shall remain nameless (clue:maleslut). I started freaking out right there. All I was doing was going to my car, and people started asking me for things. It just went to show that no one wants me except to get something out of me. Especially when it involves this godforsaken dissilusioned job. I freaked out and called Dan and told him point blank that I wasn't dealing with these fucking assholes (literally that's what I said) and if they were going to puke because they are fucking neandrothols, I wasn't going to play mother. I think Dan was taken aback a little. I'm the good RA - the one that goes above and beyond duty, blah blah blah. Well not anymore. What have I got to show for it? I'm sick of having to work my ass off only to be fucked over in the end. Moving on.
So after that whole schtick was over with, I came back up here, drank some more beer and watched some more Angel. Haven't left my room since, except for rehersal tonight (god I suck at this stuff).
This morning I was so weak I couldn't even get out of bed. I had to lay there for a while until the only thing I could think of was the pain (I really really had to pee) and that finally let me muster the energy to get out of bed. But just the short trip to the bathroom and back wore me out. Not out-of-breath wore me out, but like, I couldn't focus on anything and I barely had the stamina to lift the remote and light my cigarettes. I don't know what that was about, but I'm glad I got over it. I literally felt like someone had sucked everyone out of me.
I think all this has to do with how stressed out I've been. And some things some peole have said. A.J. told me, I think it was today, but it could've been yesterday, that I'm letting it eat me up. Of course I am. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to not be like this. I don't know how to let it just roll off. I don't know how to not worry and not be in pain anymore. I don't know how to refocus myself.
Last night at the STAR awards Tom said "Wow, Brad, you're really not a happy person, are you?" and every single person at the table agreed. On the one hand, it really really hurt me because all I've ever wanted is to experience happiness. But on the other hand, it really made me angry. Why do I have to be happy? Why do people insist on everyone being happy? I came to the conclusion that people want everyone else to be happy so that they don't feel guilty about being happy themselves. That's the only logical answer I have come up with. I do want to be happy. And I've tried really hard to get there, and I was there for a while. But I find that when I am happy, my defenses are down. And I can't live without my defenses. Call it baggage or crap or whatever, but I need it. I'm not myself unless I feel reality on all sides.
So now, I'm taking a different approach. This is my life and I'm going to live it my way. No one else is going to push me around. No one else is going to make me feel or think or do things. I am a control freak for a reason. It's the only thing I've ever known. So now I am in control. If anyone doesn't like it - fuck off. That's the key - everyone else can Fuck off. What you see is what you get. I am entitled to be in a bad mood or dislike things, even if for no reason. I do not have to explain myself. I do not have to put hours and hours of contemplation into trivial things because someone else tells me they don't like something about me. Fuck off. I will not put up anymore fronts. I make decisions based on the information I have available at the time, and on instinct. And my instict never fails me. I will not smile gaily and laugh hallowly with someone I dislike. I will not hide my feelings. I will not fear truth, and I will not fear rejection. To those who would have me bend to their will, and to those who would want me to lose myself - Fuck off. To those who would dislike me for who I am and for what I am and for what I believe, feel, think, want. Fuck off.
I think I'll start feeling even better soon.
no subject
and i don't see how you can grow in a claustrophobic environment like this without hitting the breaking point.
just remember, don't push happiness away if it happens to come to you. it can be pretty fleeting, but it's worth it when it's there.
no subject
no subject
i would just hate to see you push away from it because of fear/insecurities/whatever.
Hmm
Re: Hmm
i am an "actor". not an actor, but an "actor".
Re: Hmm
Re: Hmm