synapticjava (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
synapticjava) wrote2004-02-17 09:57 pm
synapticjava) wrote2004-02-17 09:57 pm
So tell me, how's it gonna be...
I wish someone would make my decisions for me, or could make me happy. I'm in such horrible rut right now. All I want to do is just crawl into bed and never wake up. I've been having some pretty bad feelings lately. And I've been trying to put them off, but they keep coming back. I just don't know what to do.
Today I had my emergency one-on-one with Lauren. She wants to know by Friday wether or not I'll return next year as an RA. It may not seem like it, but this is a huge decision, one that's gonna basically decide my life for the next year and a half. No pressure or anything. But after the initial meeting, Lauren wanted to talk to me about how I was feeling about everything. She asked and I told her about how I've been feeling lately, being so burnt out and everything, and she actually said "Maybe college just isn't for you." That makes me so sad. I don't think she understood why I'm burnt out though. I've been doing this shit since I was 16. Working full time and going to school. That was 4 years ago. I've never actually taken a day off of work, and I've called in probably twice in all this time. I've never had a vacation or anything. I'm just really tired and exhausted from running on empty for so long. I feel like I'm less than I used to be. And I don't see any end in sight. I have to work to stay in school. Right after I graduate, I'll have to get a job, and then work until I die. It just all seems so pointless sometimes. I'm just so tired and I don't know how to be not-tired anymore. I know I'm depressed, I'm just, I don't know. I'm sick of feeling this way and I don't know how to change it. I put up this front for everyone so no one has to think about it or worry about it or care about it. Like the "bad thing" that I did. Am I really feeling so outside of myself that I did that? I know it wasn't a horrible thing or anything like that, but it's like I'm not me anymore. For a while I was so happy and things were going so well with everything in my life, and now, I'm so not. I just wish I could stop myself from thinking. My mind just keeps going a thousand miles a minute. I can't sleep and I know there's something wrong with me because I have a constant pain in my chest and stomache. I just don't know how to make everything better. And I'm tired of running and running and getting no where. On top of that, I feel like everyone's just kinda not here. I don't have anywhere to turn. Not that I would ever turn to anyone even if there were. It's just nice to know I have that support, ya know? And I do know I have it, it just doesn't feel like it most of the time. These past few months have been the best and the worst ever. I've never felt more alone and away from everyone and everything. It's a really shitty place to be.
Anyway, that's my self-pity boohoo post. You're welcome.
Today I had my emergency one-on-one with Lauren. She wants to know by Friday wether or not I'll return next year as an RA. It may not seem like it, but this is a huge decision, one that's gonna basically decide my life for the next year and a half. No pressure or anything. But after the initial meeting, Lauren wanted to talk to me about how I was feeling about everything. She asked and I told her about how I've been feeling lately, being so burnt out and everything, and she actually said "Maybe college just isn't for you." That makes me so sad. I don't think she understood why I'm burnt out though. I've been doing this shit since I was 16. Working full time and going to school. That was 4 years ago. I've never actually taken a day off of work, and I've called in probably twice in all this time. I've never had a vacation or anything. I'm just really tired and exhausted from running on empty for so long. I feel like I'm less than I used to be. And I don't see any end in sight. I have to work to stay in school. Right after I graduate, I'll have to get a job, and then work until I die. It just all seems so pointless sometimes. I'm just so tired and I don't know how to be not-tired anymore. I know I'm depressed, I'm just, I don't know. I'm sick of feeling this way and I don't know how to change it. I put up this front for everyone so no one has to think about it or worry about it or care about it. Like the "bad thing" that I did. Am I really feeling so outside of myself that I did that? I know it wasn't a horrible thing or anything like that, but it's like I'm not me anymore. For a while I was so happy and things were going so well with everything in my life, and now, I'm so not. I just wish I could stop myself from thinking. My mind just keeps going a thousand miles a minute. I can't sleep and I know there's something wrong with me because I have a constant pain in my chest and stomache. I just don't know how to make everything better. And I'm tired of running and running and getting no where. On top of that, I feel like everyone's just kinda not here. I don't have anywhere to turn. Not that I would ever turn to anyone even if there were. It's just nice to know I have that support, ya know? And I do know I have it, it just doesn't feel like it most of the time. These past few months have been the best and the worst ever. I've never felt more alone and away from everyone and everything. It's a really shitty place to be.
Anyway, that's my self-pity boohoo post. You're welcome.
no subject
no subject
Re: