synapticjava (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
synapticjava) wrote2009-04-23 12:20 am
synapticjava) wrote2009-04-23 12:20 am
I've tarnished all our memories but there'll always be a trace of you...
Well, I sure did it. Against my (and countless others') better judgement, I decided to suck it up and go to Justin & Cari's for dinner tonight afterall. I thought, in the end, it would be good for me and a right step in the getting-back-to-me zone.
I love my friends dearly. Justin and Cari have been together for 5 years now, married for almost two, and their daughter Cass is amazing and bright and is the reason I somedays want a child. Brent and Jen have been together for four months now - I was there when they met. Jen is Cari's cousin and Brent is one of Justin's faternity brothers and they've been trying to set them up for years now.
I can't honestly remember the last time I felt so socially awkward and emotionally unresponsive. With Jen and Brent doing what all new couples do, and Justin and Cari doing what most long-time couples do, and Cass running around the house with the dogs and being a four year old...And then Brent and Jen asking where Tom was...It was everything I could do not to completely lose it. It just keeps playing over and over in my head, that last phone call. The last time he left to go back to school. And then finding out it meant nothing - that I, apparently, meant nothing. I am so close to melting down, I can taste it. Between struggling with that and dealing with everything at work and having to console my mother and trying to be nice and show everyone that I'm okay, I just feel like I'm at my breaking point. As of right now I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone or do anything but lay in bed and listen to this god damn song on repeat. But I can't because tomorrow I have to get up early and go in for a training session at work.
I am just stretched so fucking thin right now. And I hate being so fucking weak. I hate it. I have good days and bad days like everyone else. It just seems like a lot more bad days than should be my share lately.
I wound up buying another pack of cigarettes on the way home and I've smoked about half of it, one after the other. I just flushed what was left. Today didn't go so well, but tomorrow's another day.
I love my friends dearly. Justin and Cari have been together for 5 years now, married for almost two, and their daughter Cass is amazing and bright and is the reason I somedays want a child. Brent and Jen have been together for four months now - I was there when they met. Jen is Cari's cousin and Brent is one of Justin's faternity brothers and they've been trying to set them up for years now.
I can't honestly remember the last time I felt so socially awkward and emotionally unresponsive. With Jen and Brent doing what all new couples do, and Justin and Cari doing what most long-time couples do, and Cass running around the house with the dogs and being a four year old...And then Brent and Jen asking where Tom was...It was everything I could do not to completely lose it. It just keeps playing over and over in my head, that last phone call. The last time he left to go back to school. And then finding out it meant nothing - that I, apparently, meant nothing. I am so close to melting down, I can taste it. Between struggling with that and dealing with everything at work and having to console my mother and trying to be nice and show everyone that I'm okay, I just feel like I'm at my breaking point. As of right now I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone or do anything but lay in bed and listen to this god damn song on repeat. But I can't because tomorrow I have to get up early and go in for a training session at work.
I am just stretched so fucking thin right now. And I hate being so fucking weak. I hate it. I have good days and bad days like everyone else. It just seems like a lot more bad days than should be my share lately.
I wound up buying another pack of cigarettes on the way home and I've smoked about half of it, one after the other. I just flushed what was left. Today didn't go so well, but tomorrow's another day.
no subject
no subject
no subject