synapticjava (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
synapticjava) wrote2006-02-22 07:47 pm
synapticjava) wrote2006-02-22 07:47 pm
Update: Learn to be Lonely, Chapter 18
Title: Learn to be Lonely Chapter 18/?
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chocgood84
Rating: NC-17 for brief violence and sexual content
Pairing: BtVS Spike/Xander
Author’s Note: Yes, I am aware that the timeline is a little screwed up and that Giles didn’t own the Magic Box until after Adam and after Dawn arrived. But in my reality, who’s Dawn? Adam what? Also, a huge spanking thanks tokitty_poker1 for being my official L2BL beta.
Disclaimer: These character’s aren’t mine, never were; I don’t get any profit for this hobby, so don’t sue – Thanks.
Warning: Brief violence, nudity, and hetero and homo sexual content and situations. And some h0t man-luvin.
Xander checked his watch – 9:20 PM – as he swung the truck door open and climbed into the cab. The site had just closed for the day, and he took a moment to just sit and stare into the darkness on the other side of the windshield. He breathed deeply the night air, full of dust and grime. He could smell himself; sweat and coffee, iron and sawdust. Grimacing, he pulled the door shut and started the engine. Willow’s not going to want to wait for long.
The tires kicked up gravel as he pulled onto the cross-town highway, leaving the construction site in a cloud of dust and pebble in the rearview mirror. Some days, this job was just too much to handle.
Xander rolled down the window, sucking in the cool breeze coming in from the ocean. The afternoon had been hot, sticky, and stagnant, making him feel all the dirtier. This was perhaps the most relaxing part of his day and, trying not to think of what was waiting at 1630 Revello Drive, he could almost feel a slight smile tugging at his lips. Then the thought of Spike waiting for him at the motel, and the smile fully formed.
Crossing into the city limits, he leaned over and clicked on the radio, dialing past random stations and static until he came to rest on a mix station. …want to break free. I want to break free from your lies. You’re so self satisfied I don’t need you …
Xander almost swerved off the road as he started laughing unbelievingly at the cosmic irony. He nearly pulled to the side of the road, afraid that the tears coming would make him have an accident. But the next few lines of the song sobered him up enough to continue his course.
…I’ve fallen in love for the first time and this time I know it’s for real. I’ve fallen in love, yeah…*
He only smiled, listening to the music and singing along to the words loudly as he roared through town towards the OK Corral, never minding that it was almost show time.
***
Xander hesitated on the front porch, unsure if he should knock or just go in. He ran his sweaty palms across his dirty jeans. Twice, he turned back towards the driveway, wanting to flee into the night, and twice he circled back to the brown straw mat in front of the door. He had almost summoned up the courage to reach for the door knob to meet his fate, when the door swung open as if by magic. No, not magic, he thought, his gaze meeting Willow’s, only the magician.
“You made it,” she said blankly, her face set in stone. “Wasn’t sure you would.”
“’Course I did.” Xander smiled as hard as he could, stepping through the doorway and hugging the reluctant witch. “Said I would, didn’t I?”
“Yeah, but lately that hasn’t meant much,” she replied bitterly. “Come on in, we’re all ready.”
“Touché.” He rounded the corner into the living room, and felt his face grow slack as he saw every member of the Scoobies arranged in the room, all staring at him. “Uh, hey, guys. Ready for what?” He turned back to Willow.
“Just want to talk,” Buffy said, coming up to him and hugging him. Xander glanced at Giles, leaning against the fireplace, who only half smiled and half nodded his greeting.
“Hi, Xander,” Tara offered from her place on the couch, smiling fully at him. He smiled back at her.
“Hey, Xan,” Riley waved from the armchair.
“Um, hi Riley, Tara. What’s up?” he puzzled.
“Why don’t you have a seat, Xander?” Willow gestured towards the couch. Perplexed, he allowed himself to be guided like his ninety-five year old great grandmother.
“You know, I just remembered that thing that I forgot in the kitchen,” Riley tactfully stated to no one in particular, jumping out of the armchair like he’d been burned. “I’m going to go and get that – thing.”
“Good idea,” Tara blushed. “I think I’ll come and help you. With the thing.”
The two made their exit, and only moments later the vultures circled their prey.
“So, how are you, Xander?” Buffy asked suspiciously, taking Riley’s abandoned seat.
“Just fine and dandy,” Xander croaked.
“Anything new or exciting been going on?” she asked. Xander glanced at her, almost afraid of her stone-set gaze. He shifted from her to Willow, who was leaning against the doorway and boring holes through him with her gaze. Giles was the only nearly friendly solace he could find in the room. Xander was suddenly very cold.
“Not that I can think of,” he said, running through the lists of projects and paperwork in his mind. “Work’s been really busy, lately.”
“Wonderful.” Giles spoke for the first time. No difference in his tone, no change in his voice. Apparently the children of the corn haven’t gotten to him yet. “Then I suppose that means you’ve been getting by quite well? Financially speaking.”
“What? Oh yeah, definitely” Money? That’s what this is about? “Been saving most of it up, though.”
“For a rainy day, right?” Buffy asked.
“Yeah, something like that,” Xander’s suspicion grew the longer this Twilight Zone episode ran on.
“Tell me, Xander...” Buffy stood, crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes at him. Willow moved from the entryway to her side, affecting a similar, though less threatening, posture – which scared him even more. “How’s the weather been lately?”
“What?” he finally squeaked. “Okay, guys. You know I love a group lobotomy as much as the next person, but this is crazy. What’s going on?”
“We know, Xander.” Willows words were short, clipped short by the ice forming them. Her eyes were dark, almost black, and he’d never seen her look as angry, or as hurt, in all his life. Except when she had found out about Cordy. Shit – Spike!
“Uh,” Xander began to laugh nervously, wringing his hands in his lap. “You know what?”
“We were hoping you could tell us,” Giles suggested, removing his glasses and looking at the floorboards.
Shit shit shit! “Heh, not sure what you guys are talking about, here. Hehehe.”
“Oh, come on, Xander, we’re all grown ups here,” Buffy mocked. “You can tell us.”
Xander could feel the sweat pouring down his face, and he knew that he looked guilty. Hell, he was guilty. But if by some chance they didn’t know about Spike, he didn’t want to open that can of worms until he needed to catch a really big fish. And besides, there was no way they could know about him, unless they had found and started frequenting Serpent. And Xander just couldn’t quite fathom that at the moment. Maybe after his head blew up he could think about that.
“I’m really not sure what you’re talking about,” he said with all of the honesty in his heart.
“Alright, fine.” Buffy threw her arms in the air wearily, and slumped back into the chair. “He’s all yours, Willow.”
“Xander,” Willow spoke slowly, and softly, but her words were like poison, quick and painful. “I went to your parents’ place last week to stop by and see you. They told me everything. We know you got into a fight with your dad – you broke his arm, Xander! And then you packed up your stuff and left. Only, what we don’t know is why you fought, why you haven’t told us, and where you’re staying now.”
“Okay,” Xander said slowly through clenched teeth. He was looking at his folded hands in his lap, so that they couldn’t see the redness, the hurt, the anger in his eyes. “First of all, that is not what happened. Second of all, you have no right to invade my privacy like that. And lastly, this is all none of your business. I can handle this on my own.”
“Xander, that’s not fair –” Buffy scolded.
“Fair?” he squawked, looking at her and almost smiling when she winced. “Fair? I’ll tell you what’s not fair! What’s not fair is you all going behind my back to find out my personal stuff. What’s not fair is you not asking me straight out what was going on. And what’s really not fair is you all having this little meeting to ambush me! But I’ll tell you what is fair! What is fair is this: I’m outta here.” He stood and turned towards the door, but Giles’ voice called to him.
“Xander, please wait. We’re only trying to understand.” His voice was cool and calm, something Xander could definitely appreciate right now. Sighing, Xander turned back towards them, but did not return to the couch.
“So,” Buffy started softly, looking down at her hands, “what happened?”
“One morning, he came downstairs while I was still asleep and started beating the crap out of me,” Xander explained, leaving out a vital piece of information. “I decided not to put up with it anymore, so I stood up to him, and when he didn’t like that, he kicked me out.”
“Why did he start hitting you?” Giles asked the most obvious question.
“Who knows?” Xander shrugged. “It’s not like he ever needed a reason before, why should he need one now?”
“B-before?” Buffy asked, looking up at him with sadness in her eyes.
“Yeah, before,” he whispered, his mind suddenly reeling through all of the memories of broken bones and bruises and bloody wounds that he’d had to explain away or make up stories about. No one had ever caught on, had ever realized. He was either a great actor, or he was playing to a horrible audience. “Most of my life.”
“I’m so sorry, Xander,” she mumbled, looking back at her hands.
“It’s alright,” he lied. “You didn’t know.”
The room was silent for a moment, and Xander avoided looking in Willow’s direction – she had been quiet for quite a while, now, and he knew what she was thinking about. She was finally putting together all of the pieces of the puzzle. Why Xander liked to eat dinner at her house so much, why he was always so willing to Oz-sit during a full moon when she couldn’t. All of the casts and splints and x-rays and days missed in school. It was all finally meshing together in her brain.
Giles cleared his throat, finally. “Then where have you been staying?”
“A couple of the guys from work rent a big old house on the other side of town, near the site,” he lied. “I’ve been crashing with them and saving money so that I can buy a place, eventually.”
“It’s all well, then?” he asked.
“It’s cricket,” Xander joked. “I’m doing fine, just –”
“Why didn’t you tell us, then?” Willow asked. Xander glanced at her, and she still assumed that same stone stance of pain and anger.
“Honestly, I’ve been so busy with the project that I barely have time to eat or sleep, let alone talk on the phone all the time,” he explained.
“Try ever, Xander,” Willow shouted. “You haven’t talked to any of us for more than two minutes in over a month. Every time I call, I either get voicemail, or hung up on –”
“Maybe if you didn’t call a hundred times a day,” he muttered under his breath. Willow’s rant stopped dead in its tracks, and he could see by the look on her face that she was just gearing up to push it all out as fast and hard as possible.
“Guys, maybe we all need to calm down,” Buffy offered, standing and placing herself between him and Willow. “Let’s all just-”
“Xander Harris, I don’t believe you!?” Willow finally shrieked.
“Ookay.” Buffy backed away, slowly.
“We’ve been friends nearly all our lives and you’ve never once said anything that mean to me!” Willow yelled.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out like that,” Xander apologized.
“Yeah, well, it did, and it hurt,” she moped.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated.
“Apology not accepted,” she said shortly. “And anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that you’ve been keeping stuff from us!”
“So?” he asked. “I wasn’t aware that I’m required to tell you all everything about my life.”
“You don’t have to, Xand-” Buffy tried.
“You haven’t been telling us anything, Xander!” Willow screamed. “How is that supposed to make us feel?”
“It’s not supposed to make you feel anything, Willow! Not everything is about you!” Before he’d even finished the sentence, he knew the damage had been done. And as a tear rolled down her cheek, he wondered if he could ever take that back. But no magic, that he knew of, could reverse time. Both Giles and Buffy had retreated a few steps.
“Look, Willow,” his voice softened. “You know I love you – all of you. This is just something I kind of have to do on my own. I need to do this by myself. I need to know that I can do this by myself. I can’t explain it any better than that.”
“Well,” Willow breathed through a sob. Her voice was gilded with tears and tinged with bitterness. “Good luck with that. In the meantime, we’ll just be here trying not to get in your way.” With that, she turned and sprinted out of the room and up the stairs. A few seconds later, a door slammed.
“Damn it,” Xander muttered, rubbing his temples where a headache had suddenly sprung up. “Score one for the Xan-man.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Xander,” Buffy said, coming to him and putting her arms around him. “Just give her some time. You know we’re all here for you. When you’re ready.” She leaned up, placed a kiss on his cheek and walked reluctantly out of the room.
Xander felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned to find Giles beside him. They didn’t have to exchange words, because it seemed like Giles understood what Xander meant. It’s a guy thing. Xander half smiled, nodded, and moments later was the last one standing in the living room. He stood there for a moment, reeling from everything that had taken place. Sighing, he made his way to the front door and walked out onto the front porch.
Tara turned from where she had been watching the night sky, smiling at him, as always.
“Eh, I think you’re going to have some recon to do tonight,” Xander joked bitterly, nodding in the direction of Buffy’s bedroom.
“It’s fine,” she shrugged. “I’ll just wait for her to calm down a bit.”
“Sorry,” he mumbled.
“Don’t be – you weren’t wrong about what you said.” At Xander’s bewildered expression, she giggled. “You know I love her. Almost too much, most of the time. But that doesn’t mean that I’m blind to the things she does.”
“I’m not following,” Xander admitted, leaning against a column.
“She does what she does out of love and concern,” Tara explained, looking out at the sky again. “She really is worried about you.”
“I know. ” Xander sighed again.
“But in all of her love and concern,” she continued, “she doesn’t really think about what you might be feeling, what you might be going through. She doesn’t take into account that you might just want to alone…or, not…for right now. That maybe you’re experiencing something that you can’t, at least for right now, share with any of us, even her.”
Does Tara know? Xander wondered. About Spike? Because she’s talking like she does. “Tara?”
“She’ll come around, though. She loves you too much not to.” Tara turned back to him and looked him right in the eye. “Just be careful, alright, Xander? Make sure that it’s what you want when the time comes.”
She smiled, reached out and squeezed his arm warmly and went back inside, closing the door behind her.
“Huh,” Xander exclaimed to the empty night.
***
When Xander returned to the motel room, it was dark and empty. No bleach blond vampire to be found. And Xander couldn’t say he wasn’t sad about that. Without turning on any lights, he sat on the bed and unlaced his work boots, tossing them in the direction of the door. He shrugged out of his shirt, jeans, underwear. He slowly peeled off his socks, and threw everything at the foot of the bed. He was not in the mood to be neat, tonight.
He went to the bureau and opened a drawer, finding the shoebox he was searching for. Grabbing that and the portable radio he’d bought, he made his way into the bathroom. Having started the water to fill the bath, he pulled from the shoebox about a dozen white candles, all different shapes and sizes. Sitting on the side of the tub, he lit them all and placed them around the small room. When at last the tub finished filling, he dipped his hand in, moaning happily at the pleasant burn. The water was just this side of too hot, just the way he liked it. Switching on the radio, he slipped slowly and cautiously into the water, yelping softly as inch after inch of his body was scorched.
“Ahhh,” he shivered when he was finally all in. He lay there for just a moment, his eyes closed, as he let the effects of the day melt away like the candle wax. He reached out to the radio, fiddling with the dial until he found something suitable for the best part of the worst day he’d had in a long, long time.
… have I been in this storm - so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form? Water's getting harder to tread with these waves crashing over my head. If I could just see you…
“Long day, love?” Spike asked softly, leaning against the door jamb.
“Mmhmm,” Xander hummed, smiling wearily at him. “The longest.”
…everything will be alright. If I head for you the darkness will turn to light…
“Want me to push off and leave you be?”
…and I will walk on water and you will catch me if I fall…
“I wish you wouldn’t.”
…and I will get lost into your eyes and everything will be alright…
“What do you want, pet?” His eyes glowed white with the reflection of the candlelight.
…I know you didn't bring me out here to drown…
“Could you maybe just…sit with me? In here?” Xander nodded towards the bath. “Not for…that, just…”
…So why am I 10 feet under and upside down…
“You don’t have to explain,” Spike answered, smiling as he lifted his shirt over his head and twisted his shoes off. Leaving his jeans on, he lowered himself carefully into the hot bath behind Xander, stretching his legs and his arms around his human. Xander leaned back against him, resting his head on Spike’s shoulder.
…Barely surviving has become my purpose…
“Better?” Spike whispered in Xander’s ear.
…cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface…
“Much…” Xander choked, surprised by the flood of tears that suddenly rushed from him. Once more, he found himself anchored by Spike, who held him and who let him cry as much as needed, wanted. Spike, who held him when no one else could.
…and I will walk on water. And you will catch me if I fall. And I will get lost into your eyes. And everything will be alright…**
Lyrics for this chapter are from:
* Queen – Want to Break Free
** Lifehouse – Storm (acoustic version)
Author:
chocgood84Rating: NC-17 for brief violence and sexual content
Pairing: BtVS Spike/Xander
Author’s Note: Yes, I am aware that the timeline is a little screwed up and that Giles didn’t own the Magic Box until after Adam and after Dawn arrived. But in my reality, who’s Dawn? Adam what? Also, a huge spanking thanks to
kitty_poker1 for being my official L2BL beta.Disclaimer: These character’s aren’t mine, never were; I don’t get any profit for this hobby, so don’t sue – Thanks.
Warning: Brief violence, nudity, and hetero and homo sexual content and situations. And some h0t man-luvin.
Xander checked his watch – 9:20 PM – as he swung the truck door open and climbed into the cab. The site had just closed for the day, and he took a moment to just sit and stare into the darkness on the other side of the windshield. He breathed deeply the night air, full of dust and grime. He could smell himself; sweat and coffee, iron and sawdust. Grimacing, he pulled the door shut and started the engine. Willow’s not going to want to wait for long.
The tires kicked up gravel as he pulled onto the cross-town highway, leaving the construction site in a cloud of dust and pebble in the rearview mirror. Some days, this job was just too much to handle.
Xander rolled down the window, sucking in the cool breeze coming in from the ocean. The afternoon had been hot, sticky, and stagnant, making him feel all the dirtier. This was perhaps the most relaxing part of his day and, trying not to think of what was waiting at 1630 Revello Drive, he could almost feel a slight smile tugging at his lips. Then the thought of Spike waiting for him at the motel, and the smile fully formed.
Crossing into the city limits, he leaned over and clicked on the radio, dialing past random stations and static until he came to rest on a mix station. …want to break free. I want to break free from your lies. You’re so self satisfied I don’t need you …
Xander almost swerved off the road as he started laughing unbelievingly at the cosmic irony. He nearly pulled to the side of the road, afraid that the tears coming would make him have an accident. But the next few lines of the song sobered him up enough to continue his course.
…I’ve fallen in love for the first time and this time I know it’s for real. I’ve fallen in love, yeah…*
He only smiled, listening to the music and singing along to the words loudly as he roared through town towards the OK Corral, never minding that it was almost show time.
***
Xander hesitated on the front porch, unsure if he should knock or just go in. He ran his sweaty palms across his dirty jeans. Twice, he turned back towards the driveway, wanting to flee into the night, and twice he circled back to the brown straw mat in front of the door. He had almost summoned up the courage to reach for the door knob to meet his fate, when the door swung open as if by magic. No, not magic, he thought, his gaze meeting Willow’s, only the magician.
“You made it,” she said blankly, her face set in stone. “Wasn’t sure you would.”
“’Course I did.” Xander smiled as hard as he could, stepping through the doorway and hugging the reluctant witch. “Said I would, didn’t I?”
“Yeah, but lately that hasn’t meant much,” she replied bitterly. “Come on in, we’re all ready.”
“Touché.” He rounded the corner into the living room, and felt his face grow slack as he saw every member of the Scoobies arranged in the room, all staring at him. “Uh, hey, guys. Ready for what?” He turned back to Willow.
“Just want to talk,” Buffy said, coming up to him and hugging him. Xander glanced at Giles, leaning against the fireplace, who only half smiled and half nodded his greeting.
“Hi, Xander,” Tara offered from her place on the couch, smiling fully at him. He smiled back at her.
“Hey, Xan,” Riley waved from the armchair.
“Um, hi Riley, Tara. What’s up?” he puzzled.
“Why don’t you have a seat, Xander?” Willow gestured towards the couch. Perplexed, he allowed himself to be guided like his ninety-five year old great grandmother.
“You know, I just remembered that thing that I forgot in the kitchen,” Riley tactfully stated to no one in particular, jumping out of the armchair like he’d been burned. “I’m going to go and get that – thing.”
“Good idea,” Tara blushed. “I think I’ll come and help you. With the thing.”
The two made their exit, and only moments later the vultures circled their prey.
“So, how are you, Xander?” Buffy asked suspiciously, taking Riley’s abandoned seat.
“Just fine and dandy,” Xander croaked.
“Anything new or exciting been going on?” she asked. Xander glanced at her, almost afraid of her stone-set gaze. He shifted from her to Willow, who was leaning against the doorway and boring holes through him with her gaze. Giles was the only nearly friendly solace he could find in the room. Xander was suddenly very cold.
“Not that I can think of,” he said, running through the lists of projects and paperwork in his mind. “Work’s been really busy, lately.”
“Wonderful.” Giles spoke for the first time. No difference in his tone, no change in his voice. Apparently the children of the corn haven’t gotten to him yet. “Then I suppose that means you’ve been getting by quite well? Financially speaking.”
“What? Oh yeah, definitely” Money? That’s what this is about? “Been saving most of it up, though.”
“For a rainy day, right?” Buffy asked.
“Yeah, something like that,” Xander’s suspicion grew the longer this Twilight Zone episode ran on.
“Tell me, Xander...” Buffy stood, crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes at him. Willow moved from the entryway to her side, affecting a similar, though less threatening, posture – which scared him even more. “How’s the weather been lately?”
“What?” he finally squeaked. “Okay, guys. You know I love a group lobotomy as much as the next person, but this is crazy. What’s going on?”
“We know, Xander.” Willows words were short, clipped short by the ice forming them. Her eyes were dark, almost black, and he’d never seen her look as angry, or as hurt, in all his life. Except when she had found out about Cordy. Shit – Spike!
“Uh,” Xander began to laugh nervously, wringing his hands in his lap. “You know what?”
“We were hoping you could tell us,” Giles suggested, removing his glasses and looking at the floorboards.
Shit shit shit! “Heh, not sure what you guys are talking about, here. Hehehe.”
“Oh, come on, Xander, we’re all grown ups here,” Buffy mocked. “You can tell us.”
Xander could feel the sweat pouring down his face, and he knew that he looked guilty. Hell, he was guilty. But if by some chance they didn’t know about Spike, he didn’t want to open that can of worms until he needed to catch a really big fish. And besides, there was no way they could know about him, unless they had found and started frequenting Serpent. And Xander just couldn’t quite fathom that at the moment. Maybe after his head blew up he could think about that.
“I’m really not sure what you’re talking about,” he said with all of the honesty in his heart.
“Alright, fine.” Buffy threw her arms in the air wearily, and slumped back into the chair. “He’s all yours, Willow.”
“Xander,” Willow spoke slowly, and softly, but her words were like poison, quick and painful. “I went to your parents’ place last week to stop by and see you. They told me everything. We know you got into a fight with your dad – you broke his arm, Xander! And then you packed up your stuff and left. Only, what we don’t know is why you fought, why you haven’t told us, and where you’re staying now.”
“Okay,” Xander said slowly through clenched teeth. He was looking at his folded hands in his lap, so that they couldn’t see the redness, the hurt, the anger in his eyes. “First of all, that is not what happened. Second of all, you have no right to invade my privacy like that. And lastly, this is all none of your business. I can handle this on my own.”
“Xander, that’s not fair –” Buffy scolded.
“Fair?” he squawked, looking at her and almost smiling when she winced. “Fair? I’ll tell you what’s not fair! What’s not fair is you all going behind my back to find out my personal stuff. What’s not fair is you not asking me straight out what was going on. And what’s really not fair is you all having this little meeting to ambush me! But I’ll tell you what is fair! What is fair is this: I’m outta here.” He stood and turned towards the door, but Giles’ voice called to him.
“Xander, please wait. We’re only trying to understand.” His voice was cool and calm, something Xander could definitely appreciate right now. Sighing, Xander turned back towards them, but did not return to the couch.
“So,” Buffy started softly, looking down at her hands, “what happened?”
“One morning, he came downstairs while I was still asleep and started beating the crap out of me,” Xander explained, leaving out a vital piece of information. “I decided not to put up with it anymore, so I stood up to him, and when he didn’t like that, he kicked me out.”
“Why did he start hitting you?” Giles asked the most obvious question.
“Who knows?” Xander shrugged. “It’s not like he ever needed a reason before, why should he need one now?”
“B-before?” Buffy asked, looking up at him with sadness in her eyes.
“Yeah, before,” he whispered, his mind suddenly reeling through all of the memories of broken bones and bruises and bloody wounds that he’d had to explain away or make up stories about. No one had ever caught on, had ever realized. He was either a great actor, or he was playing to a horrible audience. “Most of my life.”
“I’m so sorry, Xander,” she mumbled, looking back at her hands.
“It’s alright,” he lied. “You didn’t know.”
The room was silent for a moment, and Xander avoided looking in Willow’s direction – she had been quiet for quite a while, now, and he knew what she was thinking about. She was finally putting together all of the pieces of the puzzle. Why Xander liked to eat dinner at her house so much, why he was always so willing to Oz-sit during a full moon when she couldn’t. All of the casts and splints and x-rays and days missed in school. It was all finally meshing together in her brain.
Giles cleared his throat, finally. “Then where have you been staying?”
“A couple of the guys from work rent a big old house on the other side of town, near the site,” he lied. “I’ve been crashing with them and saving money so that I can buy a place, eventually.”
“It’s all well, then?” he asked.
“It’s cricket,” Xander joked. “I’m doing fine, just –”
“Why didn’t you tell us, then?” Willow asked. Xander glanced at her, and she still assumed that same stone stance of pain and anger.
“Honestly, I’ve been so busy with the project that I barely have time to eat or sleep, let alone talk on the phone all the time,” he explained.
“Try ever, Xander,” Willow shouted. “You haven’t talked to any of us for more than two minutes in over a month. Every time I call, I either get voicemail, or hung up on –”
“Maybe if you didn’t call a hundred times a day,” he muttered under his breath. Willow’s rant stopped dead in its tracks, and he could see by the look on her face that she was just gearing up to push it all out as fast and hard as possible.
“Guys, maybe we all need to calm down,” Buffy offered, standing and placing herself between him and Willow. “Let’s all just-”
“Xander Harris, I don’t believe you!?” Willow finally shrieked.
“Ookay.” Buffy backed away, slowly.
“We’ve been friends nearly all our lives and you’ve never once said anything that mean to me!” Willow yelled.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out like that,” Xander apologized.
“Yeah, well, it did, and it hurt,” she moped.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated.
“Apology not accepted,” she said shortly. “And anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that you’ve been keeping stuff from us!”
“So?” he asked. “I wasn’t aware that I’m required to tell you all everything about my life.”
“You don’t have to, Xand-” Buffy tried.
“You haven’t been telling us anything, Xander!” Willow screamed. “How is that supposed to make us feel?”
“It’s not supposed to make you feel anything, Willow! Not everything is about you!” Before he’d even finished the sentence, he knew the damage had been done. And as a tear rolled down her cheek, he wondered if he could ever take that back. But no magic, that he knew of, could reverse time. Both Giles and Buffy had retreated a few steps.
“Look, Willow,” his voice softened. “You know I love you – all of you. This is just something I kind of have to do on my own. I need to do this by myself. I need to know that I can do this by myself. I can’t explain it any better than that.”
“Well,” Willow breathed through a sob. Her voice was gilded with tears and tinged with bitterness. “Good luck with that. In the meantime, we’ll just be here trying not to get in your way.” With that, she turned and sprinted out of the room and up the stairs. A few seconds later, a door slammed.
“Damn it,” Xander muttered, rubbing his temples where a headache had suddenly sprung up. “Score one for the Xan-man.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Xander,” Buffy said, coming to him and putting her arms around him. “Just give her some time. You know we’re all here for you. When you’re ready.” She leaned up, placed a kiss on his cheek and walked reluctantly out of the room.
Xander felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned to find Giles beside him. They didn’t have to exchange words, because it seemed like Giles understood what Xander meant. It’s a guy thing. Xander half smiled, nodded, and moments later was the last one standing in the living room. He stood there for a moment, reeling from everything that had taken place. Sighing, he made his way to the front door and walked out onto the front porch.
Tara turned from where she had been watching the night sky, smiling at him, as always.
“Eh, I think you’re going to have some recon to do tonight,” Xander joked bitterly, nodding in the direction of Buffy’s bedroom.
“It’s fine,” she shrugged. “I’ll just wait for her to calm down a bit.”
“Sorry,” he mumbled.
“Don’t be – you weren’t wrong about what you said.” At Xander’s bewildered expression, she giggled. “You know I love her. Almost too much, most of the time. But that doesn’t mean that I’m blind to the things she does.”
“I’m not following,” Xander admitted, leaning against a column.
“She does what she does out of love and concern,” Tara explained, looking out at the sky again. “She really is worried about you.”
“I know. ” Xander sighed again.
“But in all of her love and concern,” she continued, “she doesn’t really think about what you might be feeling, what you might be going through. She doesn’t take into account that you might just want to alone…or, not…for right now. That maybe you’re experiencing something that you can’t, at least for right now, share with any of us, even her.”
Does Tara know? Xander wondered. About Spike? Because she’s talking like she does. “Tara?”
“She’ll come around, though. She loves you too much not to.” Tara turned back to him and looked him right in the eye. “Just be careful, alright, Xander? Make sure that it’s what you want when the time comes.”
She smiled, reached out and squeezed his arm warmly and went back inside, closing the door behind her.
“Huh,” Xander exclaimed to the empty night.
***
When Xander returned to the motel room, it was dark and empty. No bleach blond vampire to be found. And Xander couldn’t say he wasn’t sad about that. Without turning on any lights, he sat on the bed and unlaced his work boots, tossing them in the direction of the door. He shrugged out of his shirt, jeans, underwear. He slowly peeled off his socks, and threw everything at the foot of the bed. He was not in the mood to be neat, tonight.
He went to the bureau and opened a drawer, finding the shoebox he was searching for. Grabbing that and the portable radio he’d bought, he made his way into the bathroom. Having started the water to fill the bath, he pulled from the shoebox about a dozen white candles, all different shapes and sizes. Sitting on the side of the tub, he lit them all and placed them around the small room. When at last the tub finished filling, he dipped his hand in, moaning happily at the pleasant burn. The water was just this side of too hot, just the way he liked it. Switching on the radio, he slipped slowly and cautiously into the water, yelping softly as inch after inch of his body was scorched.
“Ahhh,” he shivered when he was finally all in. He lay there for just a moment, his eyes closed, as he let the effects of the day melt away like the candle wax. He reached out to the radio, fiddling with the dial until he found something suitable for the best part of the worst day he’d had in a long, long time.
… have I been in this storm - so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form? Water's getting harder to tread with these waves crashing over my head. If I could just see you…
“Long day, love?” Spike asked softly, leaning against the door jamb.
“Mmhmm,” Xander hummed, smiling wearily at him. “The longest.”
…everything will be alright. If I head for you the darkness will turn to light…
“Want me to push off and leave you be?”
…and I will walk on water and you will catch me if I fall…
“I wish you wouldn’t.”
…and I will get lost into your eyes and everything will be alright…
“What do you want, pet?” His eyes glowed white with the reflection of the candlelight.
…I know you didn't bring me out here to drown…
“Could you maybe just…sit with me? In here?” Xander nodded towards the bath. “Not for…that, just…”
…So why am I 10 feet under and upside down…
“You don’t have to explain,” Spike answered, smiling as he lifted his shirt over his head and twisted his shoes off. Leaving his jeans on, he lowered himself carefully into the hot bath behind Xander, stretching his legs and his arms around his human. Xander leaned back against him, resting his head on Spike’s shoulder.
…Barely surviving has become my purpose…
“Better?” Spike whispered in Xander’s ear.
…cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface…
“Much…” Xander choked, surprised by the flood of tears that suddenly rushed from him. Once more, he found himself anchored by Spike, who held him and who let him cry as much as needed, wanted. Spike, who held him when no one else could.
…and I will walk on water. And you will catch me if I fall. And I will get lost into your eyes. And everything will be alright…**
Lyrics for this chapter are from:
* Queen – Want to Break Free
** Lifehouse – Storm (acoustic version)
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Thank you, sweety! I'm glad you're liking it. More coming soon (I hope!)