synapticjava (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
synapticjava) wrote2006-01-11 08:50 pm
synapticjava) wrote2006-01-11 08:50 pm
So...some substance?
I feel like I've been away a long time, or something. And I know I've been a crap LJ Friend the past couple of weeks.
There's not really much change in RL. School sucks - though, admittedly, it's mostly my fault. I just can't seem to get into it anymore. I have 147 days until I graduate. I guess it's natural that after four years I would kind of check out of it at about this time. And we all know that my will power is about as strong as a wet noodle. I've already missed two classes and skipped three hours of my experiential volunteer work, and it's only the second week. And the other day I actually threw a lit cigarette at someone because they annoyed me (no worries - no one saw, and I missed by like a mile). I can't exactly say that's entirely...healthy. I guess I don't have much choice - I'll just have to suck it up. 147 days, and I'm done, free. In 147 days I'll be tens of thousands of dollars in debt, no longer have a car, have no health insurance, and unless something major happens, no job prospects. Yeah. No pressure.
Speaking of pressure, apparently my body has built a new defense: sleep. In all my life, I've never been one of those people to hit the "snooze" button or try to escape things by sleeping. Not anymore. All day, every day, I daydream or long for my bed and my pillows. Getting out of bed in the mornings makes me physically ill as I think about what's in store for the day. I stayed in bed till 3 or 4 o'clock in the afternoon all weekend. I'm almost worried about myself, because despite all of this: I'm always tired. Again, I guess I'll just have to deal with it.
Things in the romace department are touch and go at best. The other night, Matt got jealous and mad when some other guy was all over me at the bar. But yet, there's "nothing" going on between us. He actually said to me "I don't think I could ever have sex with you." I'm definetely sticking to this "no definition" thing, because that seems to be working pretty well. There is good news though: He won't be leaving Chicago, afterall. He's decided to stick it out and try and make things work here, which is good. He asked me to get him a job with my catering company, which I did.
In more frightening news, I'm finding myself missing Genevieve, lately. Every Jeep that drives by, I look to see if its her, and I keep wondering if everything's okay with her. I don't want to be friends with her, I just want to make sure she's all right. But then again, I find myself missing a lot of things, lately. People from Barat and even people from back home. I actually got homesick the other day - like the kind where your chest just hurts because you miss something so bad. Not even homesick, really, just missing my mom a lot for some reason. I blame the weather - I always start acting a little wierd around this time of year.
Don't take any of this to mean I'm unhappy with my life or angsty or whatever. I may not be the happiest bee buzzing ever like I was a few weeks ago; I'm just a little down the past few days. I'm looking forward to school being finished and finally having a life of my own for a chance. That's about 80% of what's been bugging me so much. I've been feeling like it's not my life I'm living right now. The life I want to live is staying out all night with my friends and not worrying about any of this. Irresponsible, true, but I think I deserve a little irresponsibility. Nah, that's not true. I'm just trying to justify acting like a spoilt little brat. Maybe I just need a week or two to adjust to being back in school. Yeah, that's probably what it is.
I think I'm going to go grab a beer or something and chill out for a bit. Then it's home I go for some reading and sleeping. See. I can do it. *nods*
There's not really much change in RL. School sucks - though, admittedly, it's mostly my fault. I just can't seem to get into it anymore. I have 147 days until I graduate. I guess it's natural that after four years I would kind of check out of it at about this time. And we all know that my will power is about as strong as a wet noodle. I've already missed two classes and skipped three hours of my experiential volunteer work, and it's only the second week. And the other day I actually threw a lit cigarette at someone because they annoyed me (no worries - no one saw, and I missed by like a mile). I can't exactly say that's entirely...healthy. I guess I don't have much choice - I'll just have to suck it up. 147 days, and I'm done, free. In 147 days I'll be tens of thousands of dollars in debt, no longer have a car, have no health insurance, and unless something major happens, no job prospects. Yeah. No pressure.
Speaking of pressure, apparently my body has built a new defense: sleep. In all my life, I've never been one of those people to hit the "snooze" button or try to escape things by sleeping. Not anymore. All day, every day, I daydream or long for my bed and my pillows. Getting out of bed in the mornings makes me physically ill as I think about what's in store for the day. I stayed in bed till 3 or 4 o'clock in the afternoon all weekend. I'm almost worried about myself, because despite all of this: I'm always tired. Again, I guess I'll just have to deal with it.
Things in the romace department are touch and go at best. The other night, Matt got jealous and mad when some other guy was all over me at the bar. But yet, there's "nothing" going on between us. He actually said to me "I don't think I could ever have sex with you." I'm definetely sticking to this "no definition" thing, because that seems to be working pretty well. There is good news though: He won't be leaving Chicago, afterall. He's decided to stick it out and try and make things work here, which is good. He asked me to get him a job with my catering company, which I did.
In more frightening news, I'm finding myself missing Genevieve, lately. Every Jeep that drives by, I look to see if its her, and I keep wondering if everything's okay with her. I don't want to be friends with her, I just want to make sure she's all right. But then again, I find myself missing a lot of things, lately. People from Barat and even people from back home. I actually got homesick the other day - like the kind where your chest just hurts because you miss something so bad. Not even homesick, really, just missing my mom a lot for some reason. I blame the weather - I always start acting a little wierd around this time of year.
Don't take any of this to mean I'm unhappy with my life or angsty or whatever. I may not be the happiest bee buzzing ever like I was a few weeks ago; I'm just a little down the past few days. I'm looking forward to school being finished and finally having a life of my own for a chance. That's about 80% of what's been bugging me so much. I've been feeling like it's not my life I'm living right now. The life I want to live is staying out all night with my friends and not worrying about any of this. Irresponsible, true, but I think I deserve a little irresponsibility. Nah, that's not true. I'm just trying to justify acting like a spoilt little brat. Maybe I just need a week or two to adjust to being back in school. Yeah, that's probably what it is.
I think I'm going to go grab a beer or something and chill out for a bit. Then it's home I go for some reading and sleeping. See. I can do it. *nods*
no subject
Adjusting back to school...now that's something I completely understand. Still adjusting to my first week. *shudders*
~Nebula