synapticjava (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
synapticjava) wrote2005-04-21 11:00 am
synapticjava) wrote2005-04-21 11:00 am
I Am
Because of the things that happened yesterday (which I may or may not explain later), I've decided that I needed to confirm for myself who I am. I'm posting it here because this is another part of my life. You can read it if you'd like, or skip it if you want. Just know that it was written by and for myself. If you don't agree with it, don't bother to comment - I don't care. Because I am what I am, and I'm not sorry for it.
I am a man – a young man, but a man none-the-less.
I am a gay man, proud to be so, but understanding that being gay is only a part of who I am. It is not the whole of me, and it is not the most important thing in my life. It is only something about me – like brown eyes or being short. It does not control me, or I it. I did not choose to be gay, but do not think it is a defect. I’ve done nothing wrong, and it is not a moral sin. It is only part of me. I choose not to hide it, and I accept the consequences – even if I know in my heart there should be none, for this is not something wrong with me.
I am a son, and a brother. Though sometimes I feel and even wish that I come from nothing, it isn’t so. A mother who loves me gave me life. A father that is not my own taught me how to be an honest man. A brother I haven’t known since I was a child and a sister that seems at times to be not mine – the fact is, that, we are all different and we all live our own lives. My family is not a close one. I don’t know that we will ever be close, or that we even want to be. The point is, these are my roots – this is where I come from. And either despite, or in spite of, obstacles my family presented for me, I am grateful and proud of them and proud of being one of them.
I am a student. I’m trying to accomplish a huge task, and sometimes I fear I’ll never get there. I’m the first of my family to graduate high school, attend college, and try to strike out on my own. Every day I grow a little more, learn a little more, and fear a little less. The prospect of becoming an adult excites me and scares me – but I know I must do it. I know I must succeed, for myself and not for anyone else. Though failure scares me, as it rightfully should, I know I can do it – I get closer with every passing day, every passed class, and every bump up in my grades.
I am a friend. Though, admittedly, at certain times I can be as despondent, distant, and uncaring as a complete stranger, I do try to make myself available. I do try give people love, listen to them. Never in my life have I been one to have a multitude of friends – the fact is, I’m somewhat of a loner. Shy isn’t a strong enough word for what I am. But the truth is that I relish in my close friendships, because those connections become my family.
I believe that there may or may not be a god. If there is, I believe that s/he/they did not create us or our universe. I believe that s/he/they are merely presences and have no grand design or purpose for us. I do not believe in fate or cosmic intervention. I believe that conventional and/or organized religion causes more problems that it is worth. I believe that we have no real purpose on earth – but if we do, it is to live and to know happiness. I believe that love is not a one-shot deal and that there is no “one person” for everyone. I think love is different for everyone and that we make it what it becomes. There is no right or wrong way to believe, feel, or love. We are each our own person, our own mind, our own life. However, our actions must be accounted for – with independence comes responsibility. Every action has a consequence and everything in life is a decision or the results of a decision. I believe we choose what is right for us at that moment in time. I believe that I can choose to or not to do what I believe in, and as such it is my decision – no one else’s. No one can hold me accountable for my beliefs other than me. I believe that life is not a journey – that is a book, waiting desperately to be written. Every day is another page and every year is a chapter. Some books are too short, some seem too long. But in the end, our lives are our own stories – there is no eraser and there is no delete key. So what else can we do, but turn the page and continue writing? I believe these things to be true.
I am a man – a young man, but a man none-the-less.
I am a man – a young man, but a man none-the-less.
I am a gay man, proud to be so, but understanding that being gay is only a part of who I am. It is not the whole of me, and it is not the most important thing in my life. It is only something about me – like brown eyes or being short. It does not control me, or I it. I did not choose to be gay, but do not think it is a defect. I’ve done nothing wrong, and it is not a moral sin. It is only part of me. I choose not to hide it, and I accept the consequences – even if I know in my heart there should be none, for this is not something wrong with me.
I am a son, and a brother. Though sometimes I feel and even wish that I come from nothing, it isn’t so. A mother who loves me gave me life. A father that is not my own taught me how to be an honest man. A brother I haven’t known since I was a child and a sister that seems at times to be not mine – the fact is, that, we are all different and we all live our own lives. My family is not a close one. I don’t know that we will ever be close, or that we even want to be. The point is, these are my roots – this is where I come from. And either despite, or in spite of, obstacles my family presented for me, I am grateful and proud of them and proud of being one of them.
I am a student. I’m trying to accomplish a huge task, and sometimes I fear I’ll never get there. I’m the first of my family to graduate high school, attend college, and try to strike out on my own. Every day I grow a little more, learn a little more, and fear a little less. The prospect of becoming an adult excites me and scares me – but I know I must do it. I know I must succeed, for myself and not for anyone else. Though failure scares me, as it rightfully should, I know I can do it – I get closer with every passing day, every passed class, and every bump up in my grades.
I am a friend. Though, admittedly, at certain times I can be as despondent, distant, and uncaring as a complete stranger, I do try to make myself available. I do try give people love, listen to them. Never in my life have I been one to have a multitude of friends – the fact is, I’m somewhat of a loner. Shy isn’t a strong enough word for what I am. But the truth is that I relish in my close friendships, because those connections become my family.
I believe that there may or may not be a god. If there is, I believe that s/he/they did not create us or our universe. I believe that s/he/they are merely presences and have no grand design or purpose for us. I do not believe in fate or cosmic intervention. I believe that conventional and/or organized religion causes more problems that it is worth. I believe that we have no real purpose on earth – but if we do, it is to live and to know happiness. I believe that love is not a one-shot deal and that there is no “one person” for everyone. I think love is different for everyone and that we make it what it becomes. There is no right or wrong way to believe, feel, or love. We are each our own person, our own mind, our own life. However, our actions must be accounted for – with independence comes responsibility. Every action has a consequence and everything in life is a decision or the results of a decision. I believe we choose what is right for us at that moment in time. I believe that I can choose to or not to do what I believe in, and as such it is my decision – no one else’s. No one can hold me accountable for my beliefs other than me. I believe that life is not a journey – that is a book, waiting desperately to be written. Every day is another page and every year is a chapter. Some books are too short, some seem too long. But in the end, our lives are our own stories – there is no eraser and there is no delete key. So what else can we do, but turn the page and continue writing? I believe these things to be true.
I am a man – a young man, but a man none-the-less.
no subject
Thank you, honey.