Funny how the distance learns to grow...
Had a bad day today. First one in a long long (it seems) time. It's not that it was the worst most terrible or anything, but it has brought me down a lot. Had a bad day and a shitty night at work. You know, I don't think I've remarked on it before, or maybe I have, but every time I feel this particular indescribable feeling, I turn to Tori. A few songs in particular, but most often China. Bah.
I don't know why I do this. It's 2:30 and I have to awake soon to get ready for work. I hate being so tired all the time, but I don't do anything about it. It's not really insomnia because I can sleep whenever I want to lately. I just lay down and I'm out. And it's not that I don't want to, because right now the most comfortable place in the world is snuggled up in my bed. I just wanna crawl into and never come out. Never wake up. Sounds so nice right now.
You know, I hate that old saying that you can't choose your family. It may be true, but dammit, why do you have to rub my nose in it? Sometimes it is so difficult to be weged inbetween two families that hate each other and seemingly hate me, I can't stand it. People wonder why I left this place and ran away to school. It wasn't 100% because of how much I hated the Q.C.'s. This screwed up family situation had a whole lot to do with it. I'm sick and tired of being put in the middle of everything. I'm tired of having to support people and trying to keep feelings from being hurt and playing referee. I was not born into this world with a whistle and a striped shirt. That's not fair to me. Sunday should be fun. It's my family birthday party. My mom, dad, and sister will be there. My dad's side of the family, and my mom's "side" of the family will be there. His side and her side don't get along at all. So the two sides won't be talking to each other. And because of some stuff that's going on, my dad isn't talking to his side, and my mom's not talking to her side. My mom's side isn't talking to my dad and his side isn't talking to her. They're not talking to each other. Me and his side don't really get along at all, and I'm really pissed at her side. So, my sister is the only one that's going to be saying anything...*head desk*
What's more, is I didn't even want a stupid party. It was my mom's idea. Why she wants a party 1.5 months after my birthday I'll never know. Maybe she'll suprise me with something big or something. I don't know. Either way, I didn't ask for the drama and I don't really appreciate it.
All of this is making me have nervous fits, which pisses me off. Nail biting again. Eating for comfort. Need a drink. In a couple short days, everything I "fixed" about myself over the past year is unraveling. Fucking pisses me off. Stupid people. Grow up and act like the adults I know you are. Grrr *glares*.
Hmph. I guess this would be where the catipillar becomes the butterfly? Where the pupil becomes the teacher? Where the innocent bystander turns around and beats the crap out of his insane family? Yup. S'what I'm thinking.
And another thing. Maybe being up at school has spoiled me or something, but I thought things were starting to get better with gays. Then I come back here, and I see not that much has changed. Aside from the "Brad policy" at work (yup, they "named" a policy after me...yay), things really aren't that much better. At least not that I've noticed. I'm so disheartened. So dissapointed in people right now. I thank who or whatever is up there for the few friends I have that I love and who love me for me.
Hmm, funny that. I went from being caught up in changes up there. Felt like I was changing and all that. And all of a sudden, I'm slapped with this: nothing's changing here. No, that's not true. Things are changing. Just slowly. Very very slowly. Achingly slow. Like, crippled elderly at the DMV slow. Argh. It's so frustrating!
There, now. I have to be up in a couple of hours, I'll never get my beauty sleep. And no doubt the 'rents will wake me up early so I can do some stuff for the party on Sunday. Yes, sleep is calling. Sleep is the only lover I need - it keeps me safe and warm and holds me every night. And it's there every morning when I wake up and every night when I come home. Ah, sleep...You are my bestest friend.
I don't know why I do this. It's 2:30 and I have to awake soon to get ready for work. I hate being so tired all the time, but I don't do anything about it. It's not really insomnia because I can sleep whenever I want to lately. I just lay down and I'm out. And it's not that I don't want to, because right now the most comfortable place in the world is snuggled up in my bed. I just wanna crawl into and never come out. Never wake up. Sounds so nice right now.
You know, I hate that old saying that you can't choose your family. It may be true, but dammit, why do you have to rub my nose in it? Sometimes it is so difficult to be weged inbetween two families that hate each other and seemingly hate me, I can't stand it. People wonder why I left this place and ran away to school. It wasn't 100% because of how much I hated the Q.C.'s. This screwed up family situation had a whole lot to do with it. I'm sick and tired of being put in the middle of everything. I'm tired of having to support people and trying to keep feelings from being hurt and playing referee. I was not born into this world with a whistle and a striped shirt. That's not fair to me. Sunday should be fun. It's my family birthday party. My mom, dad, and sister will be there. My dad's side of the family, and my mom's "side" of the family will be there. His side and her side don't get along at all. So the two sides won't be talking to each other. And because of some stuff that's going on, my dad isn't talking to his side, and my mom's not talking to her side. My mom's side isn't talking to my dad and his side isn't talking to her. They're not talking to each other. Me and his side don't really get along at all, and I'm really pissed at her side. So, my sister is the only one that's going to be saying anything...*head desk*
What's more, is I didn't even want a stupid party. It was my mom's idea. Why she wants a party 1.5 months after my birthday I'll never know. Maybe she'll suprise me with something big or something. I don't know. Either way, I didn't ask for the drama and I don't really appreciate it.
All of this is making me have nervous fits, which pisses me off. Nail biting again. Eating for comfort. Need a drink. In a couple short days, everything I "fixed" about myself over the past year is unraveling. Fucking pisses me off. Stupid people. Grow up and act like the adults I know you are. Grrr *glares*.
Hmph. I guess this would be where the catipillar becomes the butterfly? Where the pupil becomes the teacher? Where the innocent bystander turns around and beats the crap out of his insane family? Yup. S'what I'm thinking.
And another thing. Maybe being up at school has spoiled me or something, but I thought things were starting to get better with gays. Then I come back here, and I see not that much has changed. Aside from the "Brad policy" at work (yup, they "named" a policy after me...yay), things really aren't that much better. At least not that I've noticed. I'm so disheartened. So dissapointed in people right now. I thank who or whatever is up there for the few friends I have that I love and who love me for me.
Hmm, funny that. I went from being caught up in changes up there. Felt like I was changing and all that. And all of a sudden, I'm slapped with this: nothing's changing here. No, that's not true. Things are changing. Just slowly. Very very slowly. Achingly slow. Like, crippled elderly at the DMV slow. Argh. It's so frustrating!
There, now. I have to be up in a couple of hours, I'll never get my beauty sleep. And no doubt the 'rents will wake me up early so I can do some stuff for the party on Sunday. Yes, sleep is calling. Sleep is the only lover I need - it keeps me safe and warm and holds me every night. And it's there every morning when I wake up and every night when I come home. Ah, sleep...You are my bestest friend.