synapticjava (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
synapticjava) wrote2004-06-04 01:06 am
synapticjava) wrote2004-06-04 01:06 am
Die Abe, die! Err...wait...he's dead.
Nah. I got no beef with Abe Lincoln. It's my own freaking mouth and nerves I'm sick of.
Yeah, tonight was openening for the show. I totally fucked up. I didn't like skip a line or slip up a word. I butchered the Gettysburg Adress. *bows* thank you thank you thank you. Need anything else screwed up? Give me a call. I'm great! I don't think I would have felt so bad, except that the director, who is my friend, had so much faith that I could pull it off. Aside from that, her professor was there. And I killed it! I bet good 'ole Abe rolled over in his grave. Twice, even. So I spent the rest of the show berrating myself and trying not to beat myself in the head with the nightstick. And then after the show, I got outta there as fast as possible. No time to stop and schmooze. A bunch of people smiled at me and clapped my shoulder or whatever, but I was so embarrassed I couldn't stand it. Not only for myself, but for Sarah and the rest of the cast. Long story short. I'm no good at this, and it's so not for me. I may even be scarred for life ;).
But seriously, I came back to my room, went to grab my last beer only to find I drank it quite a while ago, so I threw some shit around. Then remembered I had a $20 in my pocket. Grabbed my coat, a pack of smokes, Evan and Jaron, and hit the road. I really needed to blow off some steam. I wound up going to see Day After Tomorrow. I don't feel any better, but at least for two and half hours my whole being was glued to that movie. I loved it. Fuck Grace's opinion, I thought it was marvelous. I feel kinda bad though. As I was rushing out the building, I ran into Genivieve and Grace. Genivieve asked where I was going and I snapped back pretty bitchily "out." Not such a big deal, but she's not why I was pissed off. She didn't do anything wrong. So I voicemailed her and appologized.
So now here I am. 1 am. So tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. And thirsty. Not for water. I want to be totally smashed right now. Um. When exactly does this become a problem? Someone said something to me about drinking so much. It's not that I need it or anything, but it makes me feel better for awhile. I feel free. I don't seriously think I have a problem drinking. Though that would be my luck, no? An alchoholic psych major at 20 years old. Eh well, I am my mother's son, I guess.
In any event, I guess I'm dissapointed in myself. I finally found something I can't do. Not to toot my own horn, but usually when I set my mind to something, I get it. But not this. Beh.
It was really wierd going to the movies. I have never, ever, ever, been to a movie alone. I always thought it would be wierd going to a movie alone. And guess what? It kinda was. I was the only person there without someone. I wouldn't think a complete destruction action movie would be a date movie, but what do I know. I'm not exactly the dating extraordinaire. Whatever, I had fun by myself. At first I was like all self-concious. But I got over it when the movie started. And I think it's good for me. I might as well get used to being alone. Shawna's gone. Grace and Genivieve are leaving. All my other friends are transfering out. I got no one. Great. Now the lonlieness is creeping in with the depression. Gah! Who knows, maybe it's the best thing for me. I think I read somewhere that only in complete isolation can you begin to make contact with yourself. Or maybe I made it up. Hell, I don't know.
Right now I feel really really low. Dissapointed, let down, hurt, turned away, left behind, alone, heartbroken, dessolate, etc etc. I hate feeling like this. But the good news is after it passes I'm happy again. I just need to get through the next week, and I can put all this bs behind me. God, I just have the urge to bawl. Let the tears come out. But we all know I can't do that, now don't we.
Yeah, tonight was openening for the show. I totally fucked up. I didn't like skip a line or slip up a word. I butchered the Gettysburg Adress. *bows* thank you thank you thank you. Need anything else screwed up? Give me a call. I'm great! I don't think I would have felt so bad, except that the director, who is my friend, had so much faith that I could pull it off. Aside from that, her professor was there. And I killed it! I bet good 'ole Abe rolled over in his grave. Twice, even. So I spent the rest of the show berrating myself and trying not to beat myself in the head with the nightstick. And then after the show, I got outta there as fast as possible. No time to stop and schmooze. A bunch of people smiled at me and clapped my shoulder or whatever, but I was so embarrassed I couldn't stand it. Not only for myself, but for Sarah and the rest of the cast. Long story short. I'm no good at this, and it's so not for me. I may even be scarred for life ;).
But seriously, I came back to my room, went to grab my last beer only to find I drank it quite a while ago, so I threw some shit around. Then remembered I had a $20 in my pocket. Grabbed my coat, a pack of smokes, Evan and Jaron, and hit the road. I really needed to blow off some steam. I wound up going to see Day After Tomorrow. I don't feel any better, but at least for two and half hours my whole being was glued to that movie. I loved it. Fuck Grace's opinion, I thought it was marvelous. I feel kinda bad though. As I was rushing out the building, I ran into Genivieve and Grace. Genivieve asked where I was going and I snapped back pretty bitchily "out." Not such a big deal, but she's not why I was pissed off. She didn't do anything wrong. So I voicemailed her and appologized.
So now here I am. 1 am. So tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. And thirsty. Not for water. I want to be totally smashed right now. Um. When exactly does this become a problem? Someone said something to me about drinking so much. It's not that I need it or anything, but it makes me feel better for awhile. I feel free. I don't seriously think I have a problem drinking. Though that would be my luck, no? An alchoholic psych major at 20 years old. Eh well, I am my mother's son, I guess.
In any event, I guess I'm dissapointed in myself. I finally found something I can't do. Not to toot my own horn, but usually when I set my mind to something, I get it. But not this. Beh.
It was really wierd going to the movies. I have never, ever, ever, been to a movie alone. I always thought it would be wierd going to a movie alone. And guess what? It kinda was. I was the only person there without someone. I wouldn't think a complete destruction action movie would be a date movie, but what do I know. I'm not exactly the dating extraordinaire. Whatever, I had fun by myself. At first I was like all self-concious. But I got over it when the movie started. And I think it's good for me. I might as well get used to being alone. Shawna's gone. Grace and Genivieve are leaving. All my other friends are transfering out. I got no one. Great. Now the lonlieness is creeping in with the depression. Gah! Who knows, maybe it's the best thing for me. I think I read somewhere that only in complete isolation can you begin to make contact with yourself. Or maybe I made it up. Hell, I don't know.
Right now I feel really really low. Dissapointed, let down, hurt, turned away, left behind, alone, heartbroken, dessolate, etc etc. I hate feeling like this. But the good news is after it passes I'm happy again. I just need to get through the next week, and I can put all this bs behind me. God, I just have the urge to bawl. Let the tears come out. But we all know I can't do that, now don't we.
no subject
Acting is REALLY hard. You are making this sound like you tortured a small kitten. I told you last night - nobody knew. I didn't know. NO ONE is mad at you.
Now we get to do it again.
Smoochies.
Yeah
amen!
brad, you should know that, when it comes to theatre work, i don't bullshit people to make them feel better. (now i might tell a white lie to someone if it doesn't harm anything and will make them feel better) but there's no time in theatre! so the only reason i am telling you that it is no big deal is because IT IS NO BIG DEAL. i promise you that this has happened at least once to EVERY person who was in that room.
plus, your part was much harder. you had to recite a famous speech that everyone knows, and there wasn't anyone up there with you to improvise with or anything.
darling, there is no way that you can beat yourself up at all over this.
the only way i would have been mad at you last night was if you had given up. and you didn't, so there's nothing to be upset or disappointed about. plus, who cares if joanne was there? you actors must realize that i want feedback on MY work, not on whether my actors flubbed a line or not. joanne will not care about that. she will talk to me about where my storytelling or blocking or whatever could have been stronger, but not about "oh, you're a failure. an actor forgot a line" and neither will she say "your actor forgot a line. he's a failure".
please don't panic yourself over this. happens to the best of us.
and sorry this is such a long comment.
Re: amen!