synapticjava (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
synapticjava) wrote2004-05-15 11:55 pm
synapticjava) wrote2004-05-15 11:55 pm
Every little thing that you do...
Yeah yeah, for those that know, this was me and Chris' song. I thought about him a lot today. You know, it's almost been a full year since we broke up? And yet I still feel like I'm cheating or being disloyal anytime I look at a guy, or when I did the Thing. And every time I hear this song, it takes me back to last years STAR awards. We danced to this. Naturally, I requested it, er, maybe one of our friends did. You know its funny, time. When you're caught up in a moment, it seems to go so fast. So instead of enjoying it fully at the time, we take every single particle of that moment and inscribe it on the back of our eyelids, and transmit it over and over again to our memory bank so that we can access it later. In a moment, time goes so fast. But when we look out accross the years ahead of us, everything seems so far away and nearly unobtainable. But sooner than we realize, the moment we've been waiting for for so very long seems like it was eons ago. It's like a roller coaster. It takes so long to get to the top, but before you know it, the ride is over.
Things are changing. I am changing. It's been in the back of my head for a couple weeks now, but today it fully hit me as me and Grace were driving into Lake Forest. The sun was shining and casting shadows as we flew down Western. I looked over at Grace, who was laughing because I had ash from my cigarette all over my shirt. Right there, everything slowed down and all I could think was that this is never going to happen again. Things are changing. I am happy that I can feel myself evolving. But it saddens me that some things you just can't hold on to. I can feel it like the seasons changing. Maybe it is just I that am changing, but I'm very wrapped up in it. And I looked back, and every time I have felt this, it was after an episode like I had the last couple of days. I think holing myself up and forgetting about the world, I think that is my cocoon. At some moments, I worry about what the future brings. At other moments I am awed by the possibilities. Throughout everything is a sense of my past. Who I once was, where I came from. It makes me wonder who I'll be in a year from now, or two or ten. I only hope that I keep growing. I only hope that I keep learning about myself. I only hope that I get to take my memories and savor them knowing only rememberence but not regret.
Things are changing. I am changing. It's been in the back of my head for a couple weeks now, but today it fully hit me as me and Grace were driving into Lake Forest. The sun was shining and casting shadows as we flew down Western. I looked over at Grace, who was laughing because I had ash from my cigarette all over my shirt. Right there, everything slowed down and all I could think was that this is never going to happen again. Things are changing. I am happy that I can feel myself evolving. But it saddens me that some things you just can't hold on to. I can feel it like the seasons changing. Maybe it is just I that am changing, but I'm very wrapped up in it. And I looked back, and every time I have felt this, it was after an episode like I had the last couple of days. I think holing myself up and forgetting about the world, I think that is my cocoon. At some moments, I worry about what the future brings. At other moments I am awed by the possibilities. Throughout everything is a sense of my past. Who I once was, where I came from. It makes me wonder who I'll be in a year from now, or two or ten. I only hope that I keep growing. I only hope that I keep learning about myself. I only hope that I get to take my memories and savor them knowing only rememberence but not regret.