synapticjava | Oh my fucking god.

Not really, but some people are really wierd about spoiler-ish type stuff. I just watched the episode. And I don't know what it is that has turned me into a raving lunatic, but it's crazy. hehe. The episode with the whole father thing made me tear up a bit. Man, I first noticed it on Easter. I was watching the animated movie Joseph. If you're familliar with the movie, you remember at the end when Joseph and his father run and embrace. At that I started bawling. And then a couple weeks ago I was going through my CD's and listened to Billy Gillman's Oklahoma. Bawled some more. Then I was watching Roseanne and there was a moment between Dan and D.J. and it made me teary too. And now this. I'm thinking I have a bunch of unresolved issues with my father. Not Mark, my step-dad, but my real father, who I've never met. I wonder if maybe I should start looking for him. But what if, if, I find him, and he doesn't want anything to do with me? Or what if I find out that he's really a crack addict or something. I mean, there's gotta be a reason my mom's never talked about him or has never even mentioned him. Something had to have happened.

It's just really wierd because almost everyone I know can identify themselves with positivity who they are. Whil I know who I am, I don't know where I come from. I don't know my ancestry. I don't know where my family is. I guess I don't have any big family. I have my Mom who is my closest blood relative. Than my half-sister and two half-brothers - one of whom I'm not even supposed to know about. I guess its not that I don't have a big family. It's that I don't know my family. Don't get me wrong. I love the family I have. Especially now that I'm almost all growwed up. We're all a lot closer. But ever since it dawned on me that I have a real father somewhere, it's always kind of been in the back of my mind. But even if I did want to find my father, I don't even know how to go about doing that. I don't want my mom to know, because I feel like it would be insulting to her, a slap in the face. And my dad, Mark. Despite everything, Mark is my dad. He's been the one that read to me and tucked me into bed and fixed my car, and forced me to get a job. And for that matter, why should I even bother with a "father" when I have a dad? See my problem? It's just confusing.

Don't worry. Still happy. Just flushing out some stuff in my head:P Love to all!