synapticjava (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
synapticjava) wrote2004-04-17 01:50 am
synapticjava) wrote2004-04-17 01:50 am
i can feel the distance getting close
Um. So some of you know that I tend to find a song I like and listen to it repeatedly until either the CD dies or I find a new song. I've now been listening to this song, on repeat since I discovered it at 7:30 tonight. It is now 1:30. That means I've listened to it roughly 74 times, non-stop, back to back. It's just perfect for how I feel right now. So, I cooled off right after my last post. I'm not mad anymore. Well, I am mad, but more than that, I am hurt. I feel so betrayed. It's not just that no one told me that Chris was here, it's the understanding that the situation brings that makes me feel like I've been beaten to a pulp.
Now, you're going to have to follow my logic here.
See, this is the second time that this has happened. The last time was before he moved to Florida. It didn't upset me as much, because we were still so freshly broken up. But it has been 10 months since we broke up, which means we've been apart longer than we were together. Anyway, this time stirs up a lot of thoughts. I don't believe that Chris would intentionally not see me. So what that means, is that he doesn't care enough to even think about me. What this means is that our whole relationship didn't mean anything to him. Certainly not as much as it did to me. This is a man that I fell in love with. This is a man I have mourned and grieved over. I knew that he probably didn't love me. Or rather, I thought that he did love me but he was too afraid to admit it. But now I feel like the whole thing was a big joke, and that he didn't know how to tell me he didn't want to be with me. I feel like he doesn't and didn't care about me. And it hurts too bad to even be able to describe it properly. It's almost like someone ripped out everything in my chest, filled it with acid and sewed it back into me. That times a trillion and it might be close to how I feel right now. I trusted him so much. I loved him. But I can't even have faith that he even cared about me. I've been so happy lately, I should have known the rug would be pulled out sometime soon. I never would have forseen this though. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. And that is one of the worst feelings in the world. I feel so lost and so empty and so unloved right now I just want to crawl into my bed and go to sleep and never wake up. But it was true what I quoted to Sarah: "I would rather suffer a thousand heartbreaks than miss one single gaze on love's bright grace". I know this will pass. I know I'll be okay. But I want to be done with this now. I want to not feel anything for Chris. I want to not hurt anymore. Please god, will this never end? Is this my hell?
no subject
Oh, and you didn't miss much at the conference. A very sad number of people showed up. Plus, the keynote speaker was an asshole.
Oops