synapticjava (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
synapticjava) wrote2003-05-13 10:24 pm
synapticjava) wrote2003-05-13 10:24 pm
The beginnings of endings...
Okay, so I don't expect a bunch of people to read an extremely long entry such as this, so here's the skinny: Things are going pretty well, I had the best birthday I've ever had, I talked to Chris about "graduation", I passed my Add. Psych. midterm ahead of the class, I feel like crap, and this all sucks.
Now for the long version where I rant and bitch and basically get it out of my system.
This is a sad song kind of time for me, hence the "Comfortable" John Mayer. I know it sounds a little obsessive, but this month is certainly a buffyism, what with graduation comming up. Everything's going to change...again...Me and Chris finally talked about it last night...We're going to break up. It's the only thing we can do. We both agreed that our relationship can't survive long-distance. I know we'll still be friends, but it's going to be incredibly difficult for both of us. But at least I didn't tell him how I've finally accepted my feelings for him. That would make it so much harder on both of us. But it does kind of hurt that because of this, I'll never know if the feeling is mutual. I've spent soon-to-be 7 months of my life with this man. I don't think I've ever been closer to anyone in my life. But at least I finally know...
I've been in a deep mode of metacognition and self-anylization lately as well...I have a very big problem with change. I know this. But I don't know how to change it...I'm afraid of the things to come. I'm terrified of being an RA next year...What happens if there is a real emergency and I freak out. I'm scared of living at home this summer, because of how much things have changed. I'm really scared about a lot of stuff. I know its normal, so I guess that's not the issue. The issue is with letting stuff go. Knowing how things with me and Chris are going to play out, I've been thinking a lot about my past relationships. Carlos, Chad, Matt, Richie, John, Darnell, Patrick and anyone else my selective memory has chosen to block out. It's like a neverending reel of footage just keeps playing. I'm remebering all kinds of stuff...And it's really haunting. And really scary. Me and Anne were talking the other day, and when she asked what was going to happen with me and Chris, I told her we would probably break up. And she asked me why are we together if we know we're going to break up? It really got me to thinking-why do I even bother? Sure, Chris is the best person I know. He's certainly the best guy I've ever been with. But why, when I knew it would end? At one point or another, no matter what relationship I'm in, it's going to end. Why set myeslf up for it? Anne was also talking about what she wants. Eventually a big family and a husband and a house and picket fence. All that jazz. I wrinkled my nose up. She asked me, "don't you want someone to wake up to every morning knowing they still love you?" At the time, I told her no. But now I'm wondering if I spoke too soon. I think every one wants that to some degree. But how do you know they do? And why is anyone willing to take that risk of getting hurt?
I'm thinking about a lot of other stuff too...Like my family, people I used to know, the way things were before I took this blind plunge into college. I'm worried I might not make it out. I'm always worried about dissapointing my family-they don't make it any easier. I miss the friendships I used to have. Jen, Tina, Dustin, Holly. It really sucks having to say good bye. Especially when its a "you don't know what you've got until its gone" kind of a deal. No matter what, I still feel pretty alone. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever shake it off...But time just keeps speeding up. My first year of college is almost over already. High School is over. I'm 19! It's very frightening. Everything's just catching up to me. I know nothing's ever been peachy-keep with me, but looking back, it almost seems like things were better before. Or maybe it's that it was simpler. Either way, I feel like everything just keeps berring down on me. I'm carrying 2 tons and told to walk 2 miles barefoot over broken glass. And I kind of feel like I've just taken my first step...I guess what it all comes down to-I'm just an ordinary person, as scared and afraid to leave everything behind as anyone else. Hopefully this will pass. I know it will. It's just a matter of when...Endings are so difficult to deal with. But what's worse-beginnings or endings?
Now for the long version where I rant and bitch and basically get it out of my system.
This is a sad song kind of time for me, hence the "Comfortable" John Mayer. I know it sounds a little obsessive, but this month is certainly a buffyism, what with graduation comming up. Everything's going to change...again...Me and Chris finally talked about it last night...We're going to break up. It's the only thing we can do. We both agreed that our relationship can't survive long-distance. I know we'll still be friends, but it's going to be incredibly difficult for both of us. But at least I didn't tell him how I've finally accepted my feelings for him. That would make it so much harder on both of us. But it does kind of hurt that because of this, I'll never know if the feeling is mutual. I've spent soon-to-be 7 months of my life with this man. I don't think I've ever been closer to anyone in my life. But at least I finally know...
I've been in a deep mode of metacognition and self-anylization lately as well...I have a very big problem with change. I know this. But I don't know how to change it...I'm afraid of the things to come. I'm terrified of being an RA next year...What happens if there is a real emergency and I freak out. I'm scared of living at home this summer, because of how much things have changed. I'm really scared about a lot of stuff. I know its normal, so I guess that's not the issue. The issue is with letting stuff go. Knowing how things with me and Chris are going to play out, I've been thinking a lot about my past relationships. Carlos, Chad, Matt, Richie, John, Darnell, Patrick and anyone else my selective memory has chosen to block out. It's like a neverending reel of footage just keeps playing. I'm remebering all kinds of stuff...And it's really haunting. And really scary. Me and Anne were talking the other day, and when she asked what was going to happen with me and Chris, I told her we would probably break up. And she asked me why are we together if we know we're going to break up? It really got me to thinking-why do I even bother? Sure, Chris is the best person I know. He's certainly the best guy I've ever been with. But why, when I knew it would end? At one point or another, no matter what relationship I'm in, it's going to end. Why set myeslf up for it? Anne was also talking about what she wants. Eventually a big family and a husband and a house and picket fence. All that jazz. I wrinkled my nose up. She asked me, "don't you want someone to wake up to every morning knowing they still love you?" At the time, I told her no. But now I'm wondering if I spoke too soon. I think every one wants that to some degree. But how do you know they do? And why is anyone willing to take that risk of getting hurt?
I'm thinking about a lot of other stuff too...Like my family, people I used to know, the way things were before I took this blind plunge into college. I'm worried I might not make it out. I'm always worried about dissapointing my family-they don't make it any easier. I miss the friendships I used to have. Jen, Tina, Dustin, Holly. It really sucks having to say good bye. Especially when its a "you don't know what you've got until its gone" kind of a deal. No matter what, I still feel pretty alone. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever shake it off...But time just keeps speeding up. My first year of college is almost over already. High School is over. I'm 19! It's very frightening. Everything's just catching up to me. I know nothing's ever been peachy-keep with me, but looking back, it almost seems like things were better before. Or maybe it's that it was simpler. Either way, I feel like everything just keeps berring down on me. I'm carrying 2 tons and told to walk 2 miles barefoot over broken glass. And I kind of feel like I've just taken my first step...I guess what it all comes down to-I'm just an ordinary person, as scared and afraid to leave everything behind as anyone else. Hopefully this will pass. I know it will. It's just a matter of when...Endings are so difficult to deal with. But what's worse-beginnings or endings?
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