Favorite new artist this week: Aimee Mann (not so much new as rediscovered on my iPod...wound up getting the whole damn discography last night).

I'm suffering from an extreme case of lazy-ass. All I've been doing is coming home from work and going straight to the bedroom. Tom was so very smart and sweet and I love/hate him for it dumb and brought his old TV to my place, so now we can watch movies in bed. Yeah...I don't so much leave the bedroom anymore. Dishes piled up, laundry coating the floor. Not hot.

Mom called - she's sicker than hell right now. Everyone back home is. Hopefully/luckily I got out before they got their germs all over me. I so don't have the energy to be sick right now.

Work...meh. I've learned to leave my brain at home, now, so that I don't go stark raving loony anymore. Joe and I don't really speak to each other anymore because of that falling out. There's a huge manager shift coming up. There are 5 positions district-wide opening up within the next week, and I think everyone's throwing themselves out there. Is it bad that I just don't want to? I mean...I hate playing games. I refuse to kiss ass. I want my job to based on merrit, not the metaphorical rim job I give. I may despise it, but at least I have the peace of mind knowing that I can take pride in the work I've done.

During my nap today I drempt that I was Little Nemo, a la Adventures in Slumberland. Anyone else remember that movie/comic?

Things from the luuuuuuurve department under a cut, because it's still nautious making. )
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails.

This is the passage that was highlighted in my bible, marked with a post-it that reads "This is my love for you - T-", open on my bed when I came home from work today. This is definetely a first for me. And I rather like it.


I think I'm questioning spirituality in general. Not just because of this - although this is a part of it - but, I've noticed a lot lately that my mind keeps returning to the subject of God/s, spirituality, and general religious beliefs. I don't really know what to do/where to go from here, other than to keep thumbing through my thoughts.
Something vaguely sad about the fact that my christmas present this year was my mom asking whether I wanted a check or a gift card. No card. No bow. Just an impersonal personal check. I'm not complaining, because I need the money. It just feels weird, is all. I feel even more detached this visit then ever before. Maybe it's because my life in IN is becoming more and more solid, and I have more there now. Either way, this has defintely felt as strange, if not stranger, than that first visit home when I was in college. Also, I hate the invention of gift cards. It's silly, but there's just something better about opening a real gift, of which I only got two this year. One was our rings, which I love, and the other was from Cari & Justin.

Anyway, I'm headed back home to IN tomorrow night. Tom's gonna hang out at the apartment and wait for me to get home (yay!). I gave him a key. Next weekend we're going to see Cloverfirled (I sooooo can't wait), maybe do a bowling double date with Justin & Cari. So, this is normal, eh? I could get used to it.

I should probably run. Need to clean up. Runnin down to the grandparents with presents, then it's dinner with my other grandma. I'm exhuasted. Don't think I've slept more than a few hours since I got here.
New Favorite Artist of the week: Joshua Radin.

Not dead. Just been busy. Tommy got home last weekend, so we spent Friday through Monday together. We celebrated our one month (childish I know, but kind of a big deal to both of us)! Then he came down again Wednesday night since we can't see each other this weekend. I'm at my parents' house this weekend for "family christmas." Got in yesterday, making for a very VERY long day (worked from 4-11, drove straight to the airport, got on the plane at 12:30, landed in detroit, got on the plane, and got here around 6) Pretty much 15 hours of non-stop movement. I'm STILL tired. And now the "family christmas" is pretty much "hey, you'll get your present as sooooon as I buy it," because this one's not talking to that one and that one's pissed off at the other one. Jesus. And people wonder where I got my dramatic side from.

Work has been really up and down lately. Me and Joe are no longer "friends," meaning we had this huge falling out at work because he started talking about how I'm a pedophile (which is NEVER okay!) for dating Tom and how I'm always complaining about not paying my bills (bringing up the fact that I asked for a raise) in front of another manager from another store whom I don't paticularily care for. My promotion's been pushed back about 6 months (anyone surprised), and I'm just generally defeated. Kaplut. Broken in. Rode hard and put away wet.

HOWEVER, I'm still generally loving life. It's like I pointed out in my fight with Joe: my life doesn't suck and I don't hate life because my personal life has never been better. Ever. Cari came over for dinner last weekend with me and Tom, and it was so much fun. I felt, and still feel, like this is the way it should be. Good friends, a good man who loves me, laughter, smiles: this is what it's about. So yeah. I guess I've learned to compartmentalize my life a little bit. Though work peeves me to the nth, it's not my life. Though my family plays raquetball with my brain and emotions, it's not my life. Though there never seems to be enough money, life isn't all about money. I think...I think 2008 is already shaping up to be amazing.

And now to go snuggle up in front of the fireplace and catch up on some much-needed TV time.
synapticjava: (yeehaw sam!)
( Dec. 30th, 2007 07:32 am)
It's pretty much a done deal. I love him. I say it a lot - how I've never felt this way before or that way before, and in the end it always dissapoints and I always get hurt. But this is a total first for me. Somehow, this wonderful guy has managed to take my (not so) little insecurities and brush them away. He's realistic - he knows there will be problems that every relationship has. For some reason hearing (or...reading) that makes it all seem more real to me. I've never been a "best thing" before. And I'm not at all scared. Which is pretty amazing considering the last time I thought it was real. This seems different though. I can't really explain it. You know...he's the first one to ever say "I love you" to me. No one's ever said or done what he has. I feel pretty special right now.

And I think, just for once in my life, I'm going to not analyze it and pick it apart. I think I'm just going to enjoy this feeling and this...this.

Although I don't think it's a coincidence that this past month I've been overall happier than at any time in my life.

So there's that. Now I need to clean my apartment.
Tom just left for home. He's on his Christmas break, so he's headed back to Michigan for three weeks. We've definitely gotten closer. There are some really strong feelings for him a-brewing. We just have this really awesome connection. He doesn't judge me for all the stupid things I've done. He doesn't think ill of me that I'm not further along in school/carreer. He laughs when I tell a corny joke. He's as romantic as I am. Twice now, we've had a candlelit dinner and slow danced in my living room. He made me breakfast in bed, and brought me lunch to work. He even wrote me a love letter and put it in my underwear drawer so it was the first thing I saw that morning. When I circled around everything that's happened the last few years, he actually started crying for me. And happy...I'm so damn happy right now. He loves my friends. Justin and Cari, and even Cass really like him. It's just all working.

Work...I have an interview with that mental hospital in a couple weeks (right after Christmas), so I'm really really pulling for it. It would mean moving again - north to the Lafayette area - but it would be a carreer - a real job. And it's not too far from my friends here, and just a little closer to Tom's college (just a bonus).

Family...Mom's crazy, that's no new news. Ethan was in the hospital but is out now. Poor kid, they gave him a spinal tap. My sister broke her foot in a potato sack race in Target.

Christmas is right around the corner. It's supposed to snow 6+ inches tonight and tomorrow. The new year is almost here, and I'm going into it with smiles. I can't believe what a year it's been.
I have a lot to write, a lot to put down so I don't forget it. But I'm so...in the moment right now it's hard for me to focus my energy into conserving it. It's been the most incredible week. Some great stuff is happening right now. And I can say for the first time in a long, long time: I am happy. In a truely amazing way with no doubts, no worries, no reservations, and no baggage. I feel like a new man, and that I'm pointing the right direction again instead of spinning all over the four points like a broken compass. It's the most remarkable feeling, and I can't remember when last I knew it.

I hope you all are doing well, and that this forray into the holiday season is less stressful and more comforting than any you have known before. Remember, it comes only once a year, so why not take the good with the bad and enjoy it? Find the things in it we take comfort and warmth in. Today's moments are tomorrow's memories: why not make them good ones?

Hmm...I guess I'm sounding like a self-help book tonight. In which case I'll call it: "survival for emotional dummies."