So work tonight was a little better. Busy, but better. I've pretty much decided that the evil coworker can be as evil as she likes, I'm not taking the bait. I'm watching my ass like a debutant who just had an asslift, making sure all my I's are crossed and my t's dotted...Wait that's not right is it? Nevertheless, I'm finding that embracing it has taken some of the edge off and has made my shifts with her a little more bearable. I'm waiting for a bit of a blowback from the last couple of days. I had to send a kid to lockdown for throwing cards in another resident's face, and another one for being suspended from treatment. At least tomorrow's Wednesday - a couple of our baddies have court dates, and hopefully they'll be gone when I go back in Friday.

Things on the "alone like a dog" front seem to be easing a bit too. I think I'm finally accepting it all. The anger is starting to slide away. I've still got the questions swirling around - how, why, could I have done something different? - but I know, for myself, I'll always have those questions. We had a great relationship and it was, by far, the happiest time in my life, and I'm eternally grateful that I was able to experience it with him. I'm really allowing myself that "never again" feeling lately, and it helps. Telling myself I'll never again let myself get that close to anyone, never again turn everything over to someone else. Never again give in to that feeling. I'll never again fall like I did for him. But I know myself - I love the falling too much. And no matter how many times I've been hurt - and true, this was the worst and is the worst - I always throw that out when push comes to shove. I always allow that little hope to burn. I think that's what makes me me, and without it I'd be a completely different person. I hurt, but it's better - it's getting better. And I'm better for it. But for now, never again.

Now I think I'm going to wrap myself up in bed with a nice cuppa and a cheap paperback. Doctor in the morning - i can't believe I'm nervous - and errands. I think I'll work on the next bit of L2bL too. It's nice to have something to aim towards again.


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