I do love music. I like to think of myself as a soundtrack. Sad songs for sad days, acoustic rock for the softer side of things where I'm all introspective and trying to make decisions, pop on those days where I really enjoy the sunshine on my face, and rock when I'm on the presipice of really being in it. Is that weird? Ah well. I'm trickling out of the acoustic and slipping back into the rock. Hence the 3 doors down. Thank you, Geico, for the caveman commercials.

I'm definetely having one of those moments where I'm really in it. I don't know whether it's the excercise, the results of the excercise, or maybe I'm just becoming comfortable with myself again after so long, but I'm really excited. It turns out it wasn't a pulled groin (hehe), just an overall soreness, as I discovered throughout the day. And I like that! It reminds me in a sadistic sort of way that everything's worth the pain, and that I'll always be better and stronger after.

Today was a "do anything" day. I didn't make any plans, I didn't follow any schedule. I just let myself wander. I spent a good deal of the day really daydreaming like I haven't done in a long time, just thinking up possibilities of where I go from here. I also spent a lot of time really looking at the different experiences I've been involved in over the last few years. It's amazing how different things can look from an outside perspective.
So last nights dreams was a sequence in which I was a waiter at this really huge swanky restaurant in NYC. I was apparently, the "best waiter" and the one that the customers really liked. Except that one night I goofed off and the customers weren't happy, nor was my boss. So one of the customers stabbed me in the eye with a shrimp fork and then the manager sent his trained lobsters to devour me. Except when I tried to escape, everyone in the room - a thousand people at least - started doing a conga line around the room blocking the exits. And as the head lobster - General Pinchy they called him - got closer to eating me, he laughed in a french accent and said "C'est la vie, mon ami." Which means "that's life, my friend" if you don't know french. And then he pinched and clawed me to death with the help of his platoon.

Honestly? That's just jacked up.
Diggin the new Black Eyed Peas album. Very clubby-ish. I approve.

Over the last three days, I've cleaned the apartment and watched about a dozen movies. Including Nick and Norah's Infanite Playlist which is in my "feel good movies" collection now along with Juno, Garden State, and Sweet Magnolias. Also watched, finally, He's Just not That Into You which is such a good movie I think I'm going to watch it again today. Seriously, if you've ever been in a relationship, in an almost-relationship, or almost in a relationship, and been confused by it, watch this. Through so much of it I was like "hey that's me. no, that's me. no, that's me!" Spectacular.

Had dinner with Justin & Cari last night and played with Cass. We had a pretty long grunt session about work, which I never tire of. It was nice, just chilling with my friends and their kid and enjoying dinner. I've been having a lot of moments later where I'm genuinely happy in the moment, and it's pretty refreshing. It doesn't make me want to leave any less, but it does make me appreciate that the things I came here for are still here and I just need to open my eyes every once in a while. I can't be so focused on tomorrow that I don't enjoy today. That said, the job hunt for the other side of the country is not going well at all. I can't find any openings anywhere to even apply to, and the few that I do are usually closed. Bah. *insert throwing up of hands in frustration here* Is it so much to ask to find a great job across the country that pays well and wants to relocate me? I didn't think so....yeah, i know.

Right now I'm trying to sit down and write, and I can't seem to focus. It could be the pot of coffee I've already had, or it could be the fact that I've got a bazillion things on my mind. Good times.
Weird. Today's my S00per Saturday - the first of three days off. And I've woken up all kinds of moody. Had some really stab-in-the-heart dreams last night and I can't seem to shake them. So now I've spent the first hour of my weekend drinking my morning coffee and giving myself a pep talk. That sucks. But dammit, I'm going to enjoy my days off because, well, no work!

I had my otolaryngolgist appointment yesterday. Dude is seriously creepy. Like, the kind of creepy where you would not want your child in the same room unattended. But he's the only doctor available, and thankfully I don't have to deal with him much. Mostly I deal with the audiologist, who is, well...dreamy is the only word I can use do describe him. He looks like Scott Foley with grayish spikey hair. Anyway, after doing my audiology exam (extremely uncomfortable for me - it's my nam, man), we found out there has been pretty significant loss. And I'm hearing about 10 decibles below what normal conversational volume is at. I got many kudos for my ability to read lips and my speaking profficiency, though. As the otolaryngologist put it "wow, you talk pretty good." Nevermind the irony.

So, new hearing aids are my only choice. I have only a couple of options. My insurance company only pays half the total, up to $1500. For the cheapest model on the market, total is $2600. Which means the insurance will only cover $1300 and I'd have to come up with the rest. Which doesn't look likely. However, audiologist did refer me to a place called Vocal Rehab, a division of the Indiana Family & Social Services Administration, which provides financial help for canidates in need of hearing instruments but unable to afford it. He said I'm a good canidate for it, and typically when he refers someone they get the total amount of cost covered. So I have an appointment with one of their counselors next week. Hopefully I can get them to cover at least a portion, if not all of my cost. There's just no way I can come up with that much money for this anytime soon. Going through Vocal Rehab, audiologist said it would take a month or maybe two to finally get the hearing aids. I figure that's about half the amount of time it would take to raise the money myself. I really hope this works.

Now to get back to my weekend. Think I'll use my Silent Xander Icon for this.
synapticjava: (Default)
( Jun. 4th, 2009 12:49 pm)
I'm still squeeing. And still playing. And still trying to figure out how to work the damn thing. I'm finding that it's not as intuitive as one would think. This thing can do just about everything except make coffee. Although, as a funny side note, I have an app that can be scheduled to dial into Starbucks and order my coffee for me ahead of time. I'm in love. I named him Apollo. *g*

For those interested, I got the crackberry Blackberry Curve 8330 in red. Here's a nice little piccie. I'd photograph mine, but my camera - she is dead after an unfortunate incident involving a summer storm, a high end table, and an open window.

ZOMG do I love him.
Behold the crazy: I just ordered a Crackberry. It should be here in a few days. I'm justifying it by telling myself a) late birthday present, b) I've been working really hard lately at life and deserve something shiny and new, c) I've wanted one since high school and there's no time like the present. Either of these shall suffice.

Otherwise, life is pretty even-heeled. I'm having crazy ass dreams still. Last night I dreampt I was the pilot of a plane crossing the ocean and Tom of all people was the co-pilot and the plane went down, but when it hit the water it was suddenly a submarine and we just started swimming through the sea. You don't have to be a Freudian to get to the bottom of that dream. I also dreampt that all the people in my photo album popped out and came to life and we had a big party. Also, pretty obvious insight into that one. And I dreampt that I was my very own Dorothy a la Wizard of Oz. I didn't have the pigtails or anything, but instead of Toto, it was my cat, instead of a lion it was a Jaguar car, instead of the Tin Man, it was a giant bottle of Pepsi, and the Wizard was a humanoid form of Google. Oh, and Oz was Seattle (not all that farfetched - Seattle's nicknamed The Emerald City). WTF? And these are just the dreams I had last night.

Now I'm gonna go and enjoy my java-goodness and get ready for work. I'm really excited that I have so much time off this month because I'm getting a wee bit burnt out.
synapticjava: (Default)
( May. 31st, 2009 01:07 pm)
Just paid bills. Ugh.

Think I need to go take an aspirin and lie down now.
It was only a matter of time, really, before I finally tested out Kelly's new album. It's pretty delicious, all hurty and stabby. All good in the hood.

Last night, BC invited me out for a drink at a new bar that just opened up on the lake. Having no plans and no work today, I figured what the hell. We wound up hasing everything out talking through everything. Which was nice. And there was fun, to boot. That feels like a very much tied-up loose-end. A mended fence, if you will. I still don't trust her - that'll take a long time - but hopefully this will alleviate the "drats, I'm working with her." The only downside is that I didn't get home until just before dawn and didn't get much sleep, so I've spent my entire day off recovering. How the hell did I do that every night?

I finally got around to sitting down and watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I've been putting it off for weeks just because it's such a long movie. I loved it. If you like Notebook style movies, check this one out. It, also, is so hurty and good. The only thing I didn't like was a scene in which Brad Pitt was either wearing a mask, too much make-up, or was a stand-in in the dark. Otherwise, I thought it was done really well.

Also on my day off I cleaned out the kitchen cubards and fridge. Yick. And stewed all day over the fact that the washers are not working. Again/Still. Monday I'm going down to the office and demanding some kind of discount on my rent, or threaten to break my lease - legally of course, because it clearly states I will be supplied with in-house operational laundry equipment. As it is, I'm going to have to schlep three weeks of laundry to the laundro-mat tomorrow and spend twice as many quarters doing my laundry in public and waste most of my day off. Or I'll just be a ninny and throw a pair of dirty skivvies in the woman's face. You know, either one.

Haven't been able to get my brain to function well enough to write anything tonight - maybe tomorrow while I'm waiting on laundry.
synapticjava: (Screw Logic)
( May. 29th, 2009 11:44 am)
I have no clue what the hell is giong on anymore. Last night on the way home I was listening to Les Mis - again, thank you, Susan Boyle - and at the crest of Come to Me I just started weeping uncontrollably. As in, I had to pull the car over until I could compose myself. And then again this morning listening to something else, just instrumental. Don't get me wrong, Come to Me is a good song from a great show,and I do tend to get emotional when it comes to certain shows, but that's not right. A) I don't really cry, b) I'm a grown man for god's sakes, that's just rediculous, c) really? Like, Really?

I've definetely cemented my goal of no dating or relationship at all until my next birthday. I don't like putting time limits on stuff like that, but I really feel like I need a whole year to myself to clear my head and get back to basics, figure out where I'm going (Seattle!) and what I want to do. I've spent most of my life with someone else or wishing I was with someone else or trying to please someone else. I won't be young forever and this is my time. So I'm going to use it. Anyway, that's how I'm living lately. But then an old friend in Chicago tried to set me up with this guy who lives about 45 minutes away from me. I figure there's no harm in making new friends, so we started chatting online. Further evidence the men I meet are jacked up: he has to testify at a trial. His situation sucks - it's against his former boyfriend who I guess beat and abused him when his pills ran out? - but seriously? Really? Who wants that baggage? I have my own thanks, and I think I'll schlep it around on my own. Drama ward's that way and please don't linger. Because I definetely am starting to think that I work better as a human being ALONE.

So there's that. Now I'm going to go rock out while cleaning up the apartment before work. One.more.shift. And then it's two days of NOTHING! I think I'm already starting to get a little woozy from the shear giddyness of not having to do anything.
synapticjava: (Default)
( May. 28th, 2009 12:30 pm)
Holy smokes am I tired. It involves BC, but long story short, she chickened out of an overtime shift so I wound up working 12 hours yesterday until 2:30 this morning. Which was so incredibly boring. I know I always say our shift does most of the actual work, but I just didn't even know. 3rd shift starts at 10:30 - the same time my usual shift ends. By 10:35 I'd already finished all the work and paperwork that needed to be completed for the evening, save bed checks which have to be done on the halves. It wasn't all bad though. Gave me mucho points for the higher-ups and I'm always willing to outperform BC. Plus, another 4 hours overtime on top of the 16 I've already worked this week. That goes into the Seattle account. no really, i opened another savings account specifically for my move, that's how much I want it.

I was supposed to have my appointment with the otolaryngologist this morning, but after the alarm went off at 8 and I threw the remote at the alarm clock, I called and rescheduled. I figure it was just safer for everyone.

Just two more shifts and I'm home free. And tomorrow's dress-down so I don't have to look particularily put together. Oh, and I think I'm going bowling Sunday with Justin & Cari.

Oh, also - had to change the theme here. I just couldn't do Robber's Daughter anymore. No matter how much you tweak it, it always looks the same to me. Now I just need to find a way to customize what I have now. Speaking of customization, I finally got the Forgotten Java Blog up and put together and just the way I like it. Take a look, let me know what you think.
synapticjava: (Default)
( May. 25th, 2009 11:31 am)
Ugh. I think there was a drive-by beating last night while I was sleeping. Have you ever woken up and it feels like someone took a baseball bat to you while you slept? You know, but they didn't? Ouuuuch.

Just 5 more days, 5 more shifts, and I'll have two whole days to rest and do nothing with. Sometime between now and then, though, since it will be the weekend, I need to call and scream at the insurance company. I got three bills from them yesterday claiming that everything is "pre-existing condition." Douche Canoes. By the time I get done with them, my foot in their ass is going to be a pre-existing condition.

I nearly flipped yesterday when I checked the mail box. It appears that all my bills are coming at once. And you know that feeling that even though you can afford to pay bills (yes!), looking at them all at once makes your eyes pop out of your head and your heart go up into your throat? Yeah, I spent all night last night balancing the budget in my head. Eegads.

I need to cheer the hell up right now. It's dress-down at work today so I can wear whatever the eff I want. Which means I can be comfy. Also it's all gloomy out for the first time in a week. I'm lovin it. So there's that. Now to brew some java. Mmmmm... I need a new java icon.
So I had a dream last night in which I was the cast of Les Mis. Like, the whole cast. It was odd. I really belted out the ballads though, so kudos to my dream-self. Except during "Come to Me" I wept inconsolably, as is my wont.

You guys, I need to get to Seattle. Like, now. In a major way. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm definetely going to get there by the end of the year if only for a visit. I have no clue what it is about that city, but it calls my name. It says "Psst...Braaaaaaaaaaaad...come to me...another day is dying..." and now I'm slipping into verse. Ah well.

Good morning so far. Woke up, made me some very good espresso, caught up on some reading. It's a little boo-worthy because Cari called in to work today. Which means it will be me and K all night. *headdesk* That's what I get for picking up my days off. Oh well.

And tonight: The gym *cue oh fortuna*. My fat ass needs to get back to the treadmill. actually I've lost a few more pounds without even going to the gym, but now I wanna be all buff and studly
Ouch. This song hurts tonight. Damn you Thank you, Susan Boyle, for sending me fleeing back to Les Mis. BTW, your voice makes me shiver my timbers. I'm just sayin.

Actually I'm in a pleasent mood. Work was good. The group of kids we momentarily have are great kids. It was an easy night. A little heavy on the baby talk, but nice. Cari found out today she's having a boy. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy for her, and I know how much she wants to have a baby and can't wait. And I'm genuinely excited for her. But on the proverbial other hand, really? There's nothing else going on? Really? I just don't get it.

Maybe I'm just bored with things lately. Scratch that: I'm definetely bored with things lately. I probably shouldn't say that - I'm just asking for trouble. The fact of the matter is that now that I'm finally feeling good about things again, I'm ready for the next part to start. I want my next challenge. I want the next thing to begin. And it will, I'm just impatient.

I feel like I've gotten to the point where I've got all I can out of my current situation. Which when I think about it, is a lot. I've been reading through old entries from chicago, college, and when I first got here to IN. And I can't believe how different I am, how much I've grown and changed. I had a really great relationship, and I've survived after it ended. I found something I'm really good at and enjoy doing. I'm more comfortable with myself and being me than I ever have been in my life. I think my writing has improved a lot. Unlike Chicago, which I still feel like I fled from, I think here I accomplished what I needed to. So I guess the thing I'm focusing on now, the question is: what now? What next?
Title: Learn to be Lonely Chapter 31/?
Author: [profile] chocgood84
Rating: NC-17 for brief violence and sexual content
Pairing: BtVS Spike/Xander
Blurb: When everything seems lost to Xander, Spike's there to steal him into the night. But something's not right in Sunnydale - people are falling asleep and dying in their dreams.
Author’s Note: Yes, I am aware that the timeline is a little screwed up and that Giles didn’t own the Magic Box until after Adam and after Dawn arrived. But in my reality, who’s Dawn? Adam what? Also, a huge spanking thanks to [profile] kitty_poker1 for beta-ing even through the worst of it.
Disclaimer: These character’s aren’t mine, never were; I don’t get any profit for this hobby, so don’t sue – Thanks.
Warning: Brief violence, nudity, and hetero and homo sexual content and situations.
This can also be found in my LJ Memories, as well as on my new website: Forgotten Java.

Special note: The long absence the last few weeks was due to changing over my website from the doomed Geocities to its new home at Forgotten Java. Have no fear, L2bL hasn’t died again. And if you have the geocities site bookmarked for easier reading, you should probably update that *g*. And now, on with the fic.


Learn to be Lonely



The sunlight – the first real patch of sunlight he’d known in months – felt good on his face. )
Good Morning, Viet Nam LJ!

I'm awfully chipper for being up at the ungodly hour of six aye-em this morning, going for a blood draw reboot. I found the place this time, and it took about 2 minutes. It helped that this time there was a line of officers. I'm glad I went in civies, they let me cut since they could see it was my day off. It's always odd to see 3rd shifters in the morning though - like I'm looking at them upside down.

So I got my blood drawn by an almost-competant nurse (all FIVE vials!) without passing out or even getting dizzy. Go me! And then I stopped off at Stargasmbucks and got myself a nice tall coffee treat for being so good. Which I am currently sipping merrily. Chucked some bills in the mail on the way home so I won't have to go anywhere. I'm bound and determined not to leave the house at all until Tuesday except for work. I hate holiday weekends - people act like they've escaped from the special needs ward. Which probably won't happen because they still haven't fixed the washing machine, and when I went down to the first and second floor to steal their machines for a bit, I found they've all been removed. Ye gods, but management had better return or replace them quick. Or they shall suffer the wrath of me. After all, my tongue lashings are the tongue lashiest toung lashes in tongue lash town. Darn tootin. I might just be out of skivies. maybe.

However, I have plans to enjoy my single day off today by catching up on just about everything. And relaxing. And there may be a nap thrown in there somewhere.

Oh, and new Sammy Icon FTW.
*is a nerd*

So I was passing by this picture of Zach Quinto (new spock) while googling, um, Zach Quinto (shut up). And I just could not stop myself.

Cut Because Sometimes Guy on Guy Kissing in a Suana is Not Work Safe. Just Saying. )

We may have a slight problem here. I haven't PSed ship icons in a longass time. And the last time I did, it resulted in fic. Be askeered, guys. Be very very askeered.
Boo. Not enough sleep last night, so I'm cranky today. Very strange dream where there was a huge GAY party at my Grandmother's house, complete with go-go boys dancing on the dining room table. And then my grandma's brother's wife came in and shot up the place, but all that came out of the gun was glitter. It was still lethal, but the death scenes were pretty. I just don't know.

I finally got into an appointment with an otolaryngologist (ear doctor), but they can't fit me in until next week. I still need to get ahold of the insurance company to see if I can get them to cough up anything extra. Probably not, but it's worth a shot. The funny thing is that the nurse on the phone at the Dr's Office is hella rude. Maybe she's not used to adults calling who are themselves deaf, but she didn't seem to want to raise her voice above a whisper and was very put out when I told her I could hear her.

Also: Everybody was Kung Fu fighting, those cats were fast as lightning.
synapticjava: (Default)
( May. 17th, 2009 12:22 pm)
After three weeks of intense and frustrating-beyond-belief writer's block, I was able to finish up the next chapter.  Over 3,000 words in about 24 hours.  I'm proud of myself.  Just sent it off to the loverly Kitty for beta.  It does make me wonder though -

A question for my fellow writers: do you ever experience blockage?  And if so, how do y'all deal with it?  I almost always try and exercise by doing little word puzzles and I have a trick I do with the dictionary that usually sparks something, but this time nothing came.  What about you?

synapticjava: (Default)
( May. 17th, 2009 12:22 pm)
After three weeks of intense and frustrating-beyond-belief writer's block, I was able to finish up the next chapter.  Over 3,000 words in about 24 hours.  I'm proud of myself.  Just sent it off to the loverly Kitty for beta.  It does make me wonder though -

A question for my fellow writers: do you ever experience blockage?  And if so, how do y'all deal with it?  I almost always try and exercise by doing little word puzzles and I have a trick I do with the dictionary that usually sparks something, but this time nothing came.  What about you?

Yay! I was able to finish up about half the chapter so far. 1500 words in the past hour. Thank god. And now it's suddenly 8pm on my last day off for two weeks. Ugh. I should probably go ahead and try and pound out the rest of this chapter before bed, but I feel the need to watch a movie (now in dolby digital for my head!) And enjoy the beautiful sunset.

Today has wound up being astounding.
.

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